“Man, I can’t wait to read another year-end best of list!”
- Nobody. Ever.
And with that cheerful thought, welcome to part one of the 2012 Unhinged Awards. Because as my gramma used to tell me, if you have something to say, stretch it out to multiple parts and get more hits that way! If I'd known how poignant that advice would one day turn out to be, I wouldn't have gotten her committed to the nuthouse.
So soon.
Anyways.
1) Phone Of The Year:
iPhone 5
Note:
This award is only given out on years that a new iPhone comes out.
So this year, it was that time again. The
time that comes every two years or so and follows the most predictable pattern
this side of Adele's lyrics, the launch of another iPhone! The one event that
makes everyone ask themselves the following life-altering questions:
Do you want an enhanced smart-phone
experience?
Do you want to an app-store that gives you
absolutely everything you want and need?
Do you want a phone that lets you take
your entire office with you on the go?
The new iPhone 5 is out and believe me;
it's out not a second too soon. The world has lived in the cavemen era of only
four lines of apps in the app drawer and Zardari jokes for far too long! We as
a species need to evolve and we can only do that with the sorcery that only a
new iPhone can bring:
Behold:
FIVE WHOLE LINES OF APPS IN THE APP
DRAWER!
And Rehman Malik jokes.
First up, they've done the best thing ever
as far as hooklines go and given it the super hyperbolic title of "the
biggest thing to happen to iphone since iphone" which is so paradoxical
that it makes Bodyguard’s “mujhpay ek ehsaan karna…” sound sane. Still, as
insane as this one might be, it’s a million times better than what they were
initially going with: “It’s what Steve Jobs would buy!”
Now of course, you may say, "Geez
Umar, it has nearly the same features as last time? Why
should I buy this one
instead? And what's a Rehman Malik?", but bah, what do you know, you're
just a terrorist and deserve to have your cellular services shut down, you'll
be changing your tune once you hear about the features that this bad boy packs.
I mean really, are you disgusted by that
paltry 3.5 inch screen on your iPhone 4S? Don't worry, Iphone 5 is there for
the rescue with a mega 4 inch screen. Are you tired of lifting that lead-like
140 gram iPhone 4S? Well, tire no more sir, because the iPhone 5 is there for
you again with featherly weight of only 112 grams. Also, are you sick from
watching Richie Rich on your bed made of gold all night and don't want to go to
school? Well, thank iPhone 5, because not only will it write you a note and
call your teacher but it will rub vaporub on your chest and sing "Soft
Kitty, Warm Kitty" to you too! And finally, are you tired of all that
"paying bills" and "making good on your rent" and
"buying food for the month" stuff? Well, there's that wacky iPhone 5
again, relieving you of the need (and the means) to do that as well.
Golly, that sure is a lot of features.
Regardless of what the critics say, I will
always remain an Apple man through and through and will be getting an iPhone 5
as soon as the price for my kidney gets finalised. Because screw all that
"health" or "living" bullshit, I want my FIVE WHOLE LINES
OF APPS IN THE APP DRAWER, DAMMIT!
In conclusion, it IS true what they always
say, an "Apple" a day does keep the doctor away. Presumably, because
you can't afford doctors. Because you spent all your money on Apple products.
Whatever, I'm going to go listen to Adele
now or something.
It’s what Steve Jobs would do.
2) Wedding Of The Year:
Syra Yousuf And Shahroze Sabzwari
Every celebrity couple has a couple name. From Brangelina to Umarijuana, they’re everywhere. So what is their couple name going to be?
Shahsuf? Lame.
Sairoze? No. That sounds something you’d take for a cough.
Bahria? Pretty sure that’s already been taken.
So they’ve got the easiest thing a celebrity couple can have, going against them.
Anyway, jokes aside, my thought on this wedding of doom (that will undoubtedly bring nothing but untold misery to the couple and cause Shahroz Sabzwari to die of mysterious circumstances within the next two months and lead Syra to realize that her one true love is still waiting for her on his couch, watching wrestling and hoping that nobody figures out that it was him) is that I..... don't really care much.
No really, I don't.
See, I don't really have a set criteria when it comes to "wimmen". All I want is that they should have a head.
And be alive.
If they meet these two criteria, they're on my list. And sometimes, THEY DON'T EVEN NEED TO MEET THAT. So there is absolutely no way I let a paltry marriage stand between me and someone. So yeah, it doesn't matter to me that she's married. Yes, there is indeed no depth to which I won't sink to. But don't worry, Syra will still accept me. Because that's true love, or something.
Oh, and Syra, if you're reading this, please know that I found no wrappers of junk food while going through your trash last night. Please understand, honey, that a little bit of fat content in your diet is good for you. Okay sweetie? Thanks. Love you.
****
3)
Overexposure Of The Year: The Humsafar Title Song
****
2) Wedding Of The Year:
Syra Yousuf And Shahroze Sabzwari
This was an easy one. Because first off,
every single person knows that to be a famous couple, you have to have names
that are compatible enough to be merged into a single “cutesy” couple name so
that our short attention span population can be rid of the arduous task of
remembering two separate names.
Man, I sure am glad Tommy Lee Jones and Sarah
Jessica Parker never got together.
Every celebrity couple has a couple name. From Brangelina to Umarijuana, they’re everywhere. So what is their couple name going to be?
Shahsuf? Lame.
Sairoze? No. That sounds something you’d take for a cough.
Bahria? Pretty sure that’s already been taken.
So they’ve got the easiest thing a celebrity couple can have, going against them.
Anyway, jokes aside, my thought on this wedding of doom (that will undoubtedly bring nothing but untold misery to the couple and cause Shahroz Sabzwari to die of mysterious circumstances within the next two months and lead Syra to realize that her one true love is still waiting for her on his couch, watching wrestling and hoping that nobody figures out that it was him) is that I..... don't really care much.
No really, I don't.
See, I don't really have a set criteria when it comes to "wimmen". All I want is that they should have a head.
And be alive.
If they meet these two criteria, they're on my list. And sometimes, THEY DON'T EVEN NEED TO MEET THAT. So there is absolutely no way I let a paltry marriage stand between me and someone. So yeah, it doesn't matter to me that she's married. Yes, there is indeed no depth to which I won't sink to. But don't worry, Syra will still accept me. Because that's true love, or something.
Oh, and Syra, if you're reading this, please know that I found no wrappers of junk food while going through your trash last night. Please understand, honey, that a little bit of fat content in your diet is good for you. Okay sweetie? Thanks. Love you.
****
Yes, overexposure of the year. It’s been THAT sort of a 12 months.
Anyways, this is award is here to recognise the one thing that was shoved down our throats the most this past year despite it being the thing that most of us were completely over. We wanted something different, “they” wanted to give us more of the same. You know what I’m talking about…
Hey, who put this here?!?
No, not Aamir Liaquat, the winner is...... the title track for Humsafar!
And for good reason too. From October of last year to pretty much half-way this year, this song was EVERYWHERE. I turn on the TV, it's there playing in the background of the show. I log onto Facebook, it's there, shared by my friends. I stand outside the window of that cute girl from the library watching her solve Auditing past papers, it's there, playing on her mp3 player. I'm calling my attorney after getting busted by her parents, it's there, playing as the caller tone. I'm in the courthouse getting a restraining order, it's there, playing as someone's ringtone. I'm safely following her from a safe distance at a concert so as not to violate the restraining order, it's there, being played by the house band at the special request of the audience. There was just NO way to get away from that song.
And the worst part was that it wasn't even a bad song, the only reason I loathed it so much was because it was so over-exposed. So somewhere in April, I came up with a ground rule to immediately sever all ties with anyone who I see singing this song. EVER.
So as of right now, I've lost 16 people to this pandemic and have been totally outcast from society and am living in a jungle. I'm writing this on the laptop I stole from Ranbir Kapoor after he wrapped up his TV/Laptop ad. But don't worry, it's a real special sect of people who hate Humsafar and as long as you don't sing or don't even think about singing Humsafar, we can be friends.
Let's put it this way, whenGotham
is in ashes, you have my permission to sing Humsafar.
No, not Aamir Liaquat, the winner is...... the title track for Humsafar!
And for good reason too. From October of last year to pretty much half-way this year, this song was EVERYWHERE. I turn on the TV, it's there playing in the background of the show. I log onto Facebook, it's there, shared by my friends. I stand outside the window of that cute girl from the library watching her solve Auditing past papers, it's there, playing on her mp3 player. I'm calling my attorney after getting busted by her parents, it's there, playing as the caller tone. I'm in the courthouse getting a restraining order, it's there, playing as someone's ringtone. I'm safely following her from a safe distance at a concert so as not to violate the restraining order, it's there, being played by the house band at the special request of the audience. There was just NO way to get away from that song.
And the worst part was that it wasn't even a bad song, the only reason I loathed it so much was because it was so over-exposed. So somewhere in April, I came up with a ground rule to immediately sever all ties with anyone who I see singing this song. EVER.
So as of right now, I've lost 16 people to this pandemic and have been totally outcast from society and am living in a jungle. I'm writing this on the laptop I stole from Ranbir Kapoor after he wrapped up his TV/Laptop ad. But don't worry, it's a real special sect of people who hate Humsafar and as long as you don't sing or don't even think about singing Humsafar, we can be friends.
Let's put it this way, when
Kay dhoop chaaoon kaa aalam...
****
4) TV Show f the Year: Astaghfar
Well, this was the hardest category to pick. Being asked what my favorite TV show is like asking what my favorite suicide bombing was this year. Mainly because that category isn’t up until later.
Now granted, there was some good-to-great TV this past year. Walking Dead upped the ante with a more zombified second season, The Office still exists for some reason churning out one meh season after the other despite absolutely nobody caring, Community had another terrific season with its third and continues being as innovative now as it did when it first started, HIMYM did what it does best and stalled the meeting with the Mother for another year, and Breaking Bad finished its fifth season by melting viewers' eyes with its awesomeness which, let's face it, is standard operating procedure for them at this point.
Just your average run of the mill kick-ass TV Show.
Move along, nothing much to see here...
But there's only one show that stand up heads and shoulders above all others, due to its desire to continually push the envelope, the outstanding work done by the showrunners and the charisma and genuine warmth displayed by its lead. You know the one I'm talking about....
Yes, I'm talking about gem of illumination known as Astaghfar that aired for the majority of Ramzan on Hero TV and “starred” Veena Malik as YOUR spiritual guide on an emotional journey seeking forgiveness from the Almighty.
Because when you think repentance and redemption, you think Veena Malik. That's right.
I cannot stress how much you much unintentional comedy you missed out on if you never saw this show. It was just one religious talk show cliche after another. From the half-assed, one dimensional way each major "issue" is addressed, to the token video package with the pseudo-dramatic voiceover which made every interviewee seem sadder than Mitt Romney’s campaign, and the stock sound effects from Bollywood movies to emphasize how serious the issue is, to "live" calls so obviously fake that even Maya Khan would take exception and yell, “Paid actors!”.
Now the idea itself was very intriguing, Person A who's always been viewed as a sketchy person, morals-wise, decides to have a show about asking forgiveness and redemption in the month of Ramzan, who can't get behind that?
But somewhere along the way, they decided that making a straight up TV show about sins and repentance and stuff was for sissies and that they wanted to do something wacky and different. And that decision took place somewhere before the first episode aired, apparently. Because there wasn't one single episode that didn't leave me in fits of laughter because of how retarded it all was. Here's how an average episode of this show worked:
1) Veena introduces us to the show talking about the "serious matter" at hand which is always designed to seem controversial than it actually is, anywhere from "Seedhi sadhi ladkiyon ki video bananay walay obash ladkay" to "fehesh filmain daikhnay walay". She also starts screaming for some reason. Because screaming = instant redemption!
2) Veena then says Astaghfar six times.
3) Welcomes the in-house religious scholar who looks oddly familiar to the "nazuk soorat-e-haal" guy. He then gets approximately 6.8 seconds to introduce himself and is never seen or heard from again during the show.
4) Veena says Astaghfar six times.
5) Somebody calls and talks about the topic for the day agreeing with everything Veena says, despite the fact that it's a recorded show and no information can be found on the internet on the topics for discussion for upcoming shows nor the time for when the show is recorded.
6) Veena says Astaghfar six times.
7) A video package recorded with a blurry camera is then played which highlights either how terrible committing the sin-of-the-day is or warns about the results of shooting with a crappy camera, I'm not really sure which one it is.
8) Veena then says Astaghfar five times, because her throat hurts.
9) Someone who's miraculously been shown the light, by Veena's impeccable combination of one dimensional arguments, shouting and stepping over the scholar's lines, calls and wants to repent and say astaghfar. Again, this takes place despite the fact that there is no possible way the caller could have heard what Veena was talking about as the show IS NOT live.
10) Veena is happy and calls it a day and tells you to tune in tomorrow for a new sin-of-the-day, then goes backstage and the entire team laughs their effin' behinds off and calls it a day.
11) Veena says Astaghfar seven times. She took Strepsils.
I don't know abut you, but I just enjoy the show ironically too much to nit-pick about it. And I kinda like Veena repeatedly yelling astaghfar again and again, so there's that too. If you ask me, thatt's just how the world will end, not with a whimper, not with a bang, but with Veena repeatedly saying astaghfar.
Besides, for better or for worse, this show has changed my life, like it did for that one lady who called Veena to tell her that she wanted to commit suicide because her spouse was going to put up her videos on the internet. The very same one who got saved when Veena, in a stroke of brilliance, decided to trace her call and send her TV channel's team (never mind how the team was trained in matters like negotiating with an impending suicider-to-be, they just WERE, dammit!) which got to the girl's house just moments before she hung herself?
Because that's what people do, right? They look up when a show about forgiveness is being recorded and call them on the day when the topic of the day is naughty videos (Because Lord know you can't call on the day haram rozi is being discussed because that would be a logistic nightmare, so God forbid, or "astaghfar", if you weel) and tell what they're doing before they commit suicide.
It's what I'd do.
Also, Veena yelling Astaghfar is my new ringtone. And my new alarm tone. It's also my doorbell. And my screensaver. It's just pretty much what I live my life by. It's what my world revolves around now. Like I said, my life is changed, and for the better. Thank you, Astaghfar!
You know, there's not many things in this world that are as terrible as the absolutely irredeemable mountain of suck that is Twilight, and this award is here to celebrate that one thing during the year that came the closest to achieving the high watermark in suckitude that none but Twilight have set.
Until this year.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, after long last, it seems that we have finally found the heir apparent to the legacy of horribleness that the brainchild of Stephanie Meyer has left behind. Something that's just as crappy as Twilight, if not more.
It's Prometheus. From this moment on, it'll always be Prometheus.
Let’s backtrack a bit. It was the much anticipated return by Ridley Scott to the Alien franchise with much hype being placed on the writing by one Damon Lindelof, with an intriguing-ish premise of a space team visiting an alien planet in hopes of finding out the answers to life's big questions. And yet it all fell apart faster than the hopes of fans of LOST going into the sixth season expecting some answers.
In fact, Prometheus was such a terrible movie that I think I'll be changing the name of this award next year to "The Prometheus Award For The Terrible Thing Of The Year".
It's not just that the movie sucks, oh no. Tons of movies suck and you don't hear me complain much about them. The fact that it was a terrible movie, in itself, doesn't matter much to me. It's that Prometheus committed that one unpardonable sin, as a result of which, to me, it will forever remain the worst movie of all time.
It wasn't that the characters were all ridiculously unrelatable because they were stupid enough to take off their helmets when they're on an unknown frickin' planet that they had to travel more than 3 years to reach.
It wasn't that the characters are supposed to be the smartest scientists on earth, yet their first instinct is to outrun (?) the falling space vessel rather than avoid it. It wasn't that they decided to not bring any firearms on the science mission. On the alien planet. Yeah, who needs them? It' not like the aliens might be hostile or anything, right?
It wasn't that the movie was filled with one horror movie cliche after another, ooh, you see a door, yeah let's enter it, oh, you see a button, let's just press it regardless of the fact that you have zero idea what it does because you're on a frickin' alien planet! Oh, you don't like what they're doing in this unknown cave, random crew member? Well, why don't you just go right ahead and try to leave knowing full well that you don't remember the way back because it's a cavern in an alien frickin' planet and that anyone who's ever done this in any movie in the history of ever has ended up hopelessly lost.
Did I tell you that they were on an alien effin' planet!
*deep breath*
But still, none of these was the unpardonable sin. You know what it was?
It got me to pay to see it.
I don't care how crappy any movie is, it gets a pass if I didn't have to waste any money on it. But once I've spent money, all bets are off.
If I had my way, Prometheus would be the new word for all things sucky. Kids everywhere would be worried that they're going to Prometheus their tests. Guys at bars and clubs would hope that they don't Prometheus with the ladies. And when in company, people would ask others to excuse them because they have to take a Prometheus. That's just how the future is going to be.
And lest you think that it's only me that didn't like this movie, hey Veena, what do you have to say about Prometheus?
Move along, nothing much to see here...
But there's only one show that stand up heads and shoulders above all others, due to its desire to continually push the envelope, the outstanding work done by the showrunners and the charisma and genuine warmth displayed by its lead. You know the one I'm talking about....
Seriously, who keeps putting this here?
Yes, I'm talking about gem of illumination known as Astaghfar that aired for the majority of Ramzan on Hero TV and “starred” Veena Malik as YOUR spiritual guide on an emotional journey seeking forgiveness from the Almighty.
Because when you think repentance and redemption, you think Veena Malik. That's right.
I cannot stress how much you much unintentional comedy you missed out on if you never saw this show. It was just one religious talk show cliche after another. From the half-assed, one dimensional way each major "issue" is addressed, to the token video package with the pseudo-dramatic voiceover which made every interviewee seem sadder than Mitt Romney’s campaign, and the stock sound effects from Bollywood movies to emphasize how serious the issue is, to "live" calls so obviously fake that even Maya Khan would take exception and yell, “Paid actors!”.
Now the idea itself was very intriguing, Person A who's always been viewed as a sketchy person, morals-wise, decides to have a show about asking forgiveness and redemption in the month of Ramzan, who can't get behind that?
But somewhere along the way, they decided that making a straight up TV show about sins and repentance and stuff was for sissies and that they wanted to do something wacky and different. And that decision took place somewhere before the first episode aired, apparently. Because there wasn't one single episode that didn't leave me in fits of laughter because of how retarded it all was. Here's how an average episode of this show worked:
1) Veena introduces us to the show talking about the "serious matter" at hand which is always designed to seem controversial than it actually is, anywhere from "Seedhi sadhi ladkiyon ki video bananay walay obash ladkay" to "fehesh filmain daikhnay walay". She also starts screaming for some reason. Because screaming = instant redemption!
2) Veena then says Astaghfar six times.
3) Welcomes the in-house religious scholar who looks oddly familiar to the "nazuk soorat-e-haal" guy. He then gets approximately 6.8 seconds to introduce himself and is never seen or heard from again during the show.
4) Veena says Astaghfar six times.
5) Somebody calls and talks about the topic for the day agreeing with everything Veena says, despite the fact that it's a recorded show and no information can be found on the internet on the topics for discussion for upcoming shows nor the time for when the show is recorded.
6) Veena says Astaghfar six times.
7) A video package recorded with a blurry camera is then played which highlights either how terrible committing the sin-of-the-day is or warns about the results of shooting with a crappy camera, I'm not really sure which one it is.
8) Veena then says Astaghfar five times, because her throat hurts.
9) Someone who's miraculously been shown the light, by Veena's impeccable combination of one dimensional arguments, shouting and stepping over the scholar's lines, calls and wants to repent and say astaghfar. Again, this takes place despite the fact that there is no possible way the caller could have heard what Veena was talking about as the show IS NOT live.
10) Veena is happy and calls it a day and tells you to tune in tomorrow for a new sin-of-the-day, then goes backstage and the entire team laughs their effin' behinds off and calls it a day.
11) Veena says Astaghfar seven times. She took Strepsils.
I don't know abut you, but I just enjoy the show ironically too much to nit-pick about it. And I kinda like Veena repeatedly yelling astaghfar again and again, so there's that too. If you ask me, thatt's just how the world will end, not with a whimper, not with a bang, but with Veena repeatedly saying astaghfar.
Besides, for better or for worse, this show has changed my life, like it did for that one lady who called Veena to tell her that she wanted to commit suicide because her spouse was going to put up her videos on the internet. The very same one who got saved when Veena, in a stroke of brilliance, decided to trace her call and send her TV channel's team (never mind how the team was trained in matters like negotiating with an impending suicider-to-be, they just WERE, dammit!) which got to the girl's house just moments before she hung herself?
Because that's what people do, right? They look up when a show about forgiveness is being recorded and call them on the day when the topic of the day is naughty videos (Because Lord know you can't call on the day haram rozi is being discussed because that would be a logistic nightmare, so God forbid, or "astaghfar", if you weel) and tell what they're doing before they commit suicide.
It's what I'd do.
Also, Veena yelling Astaghfar is my new ringtone. And my new alarm tone. It's also my doorbell. And my screensaver. It's just pretty much what I live my life by. It's what my world revolves around now. Like I said, my life is changed, and for the better. Thank you, Astaghfar!
****
Spoiler: That's the look you have after having sat through this movie.
You know, there's not many things in this world that are as terrible as the absolutely irredeemable mountain of suck that is Twilight, and this award is here to celebrate that one thing during the year that came the closest to achieving the high watermark in suckitude that none but Twilight have set.
Until this year.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, after long last, it seems that we have finally found the heir apparent to the legacy of horribleness that the brainchild of Stephanie Meyer has left behind. Something that's just as crappy as Twilight, if not more.
It's Prometheus. From this moment on, it'll always be Prometheus.
Let’s backtrack a bit. It was the much anticipated return by Ridley Scott to the Alien franchise with much hype being placed on the writing by one Damon Lindelof, with an intriguing-ish premise of a space team visiting an alien planet in hopes of finding out the answers to life's big questions. And yet it all fell apart faster than the hopes of fans of LOST going into the sixth season expecting some answers.
In fact, Prometheus was such a terrible movie that I think I'll be changing the name of this award next year to "The Prometheus Award For The Terrible Thing Of The Year".
It's not just that the movie sucks, oh no. Tons of movies suck and you don't hear me complain much about them. The fact that it was a terrible movie, in itself, doesn't matter much to me. It's that Prometheus committed that one unpardonable sin, as a result of which, to me, it will forever remain the worst movie of all time.
It wasn't that the characters were all ridiculously unrelatable because they were stupid enough to take off their helmets when they're on an unknown frickin' planet that they had to travel more than 3 years to reach.
It wasn't that the characters are supposed to be the smartest scientists on earth, yet their first instinct is to outrun (?) the falling space vessel rather than avoid it. It wasn't that they decided to not bring any firearms on the science mission. On the alien planet. Yeah, who needs them? It' not like the aliens might be hostile or anything, right?
It wasn't that the movie was filled with one horror movie cliche after another, ooh, you see a door, yeah let's enter it, oh, you see a button, let's just press it regardless of the fact that you have zero idea what it does because you're on a frickin' alien planet! Oh, you don't like what they're doing in this unknown cave, random crew member? Well, why don't you just go right ahead and try to leave knowing full well that you don't remember the way back because it's a cavern in an alien frickin' planet and that anyone who's ever done this in any movie in the history of ever has ended up hopelessly lost.
Did I tell you that they were on an alien effin' planet!
*deep breath*
But still, none of these was the unpardonable sin. You know what it was?
It got me to pay to see it.
I don't care how crappy any movie is, it gets a pass if I didn't have to waste any money on it. But once I've spent money, all bets are off.
If I had my way, Prometheus would be the new word for all things sucky. Kids everywhere would be worried that they're going to Prometheus their tests. Guys at bars and clubs would hope that they don't Prometheus with the ladies. And when in company, people would ask others to excuse them because they have to take a Prometheus. That's just how the future is going to be.
And lest you think that it's only me that didn't like this movie, hey Veena, what do you have to say about Prometheus?
"Astaghfaarastaghfaarastaghfaarastaghfaarastaghfaarastaghfaar!"
Just as I suspected.
Yes, it is now time for the prestigious of all awards; the award named after the late Stephen Colbert who passed away in my eyes, ever since I stopped getting Comedy Central; the award that honors the bravest of the brave, the brightest of the bright, and the best of the best.
Anyhow, you know the drill, the person winning this award has to have had the most outstanding achievement in the field of excellence throughout the year, without fail.
For the sake of simplicity (and ease of making jokes at their expense), only people fromPakistan
There were many deserving candidates, like Waqar Zaka who continues to be a trend-setter when it comes to exploiting the mailas throughout the country; if not for him each of these people would have to go out and mingle with the society and *gasp* get actual jobs or maybe *double gasp* breed, so he's doing some good there. There was Mathira, who is still in the public eye, for some reason, despite doing absolutely nothing of note the entire year, and hence deserves at least an honorable mention.
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Maya Khan thanks to the whole "Oh-noes-she's-bothering-couples-on-LIVE-TV" debacle. There was Mubasher Luqman who took record time to fall from grace in the eyes of pseudo political analysts/general population of Pakistan and then even less to hype his upcoming grand "return" to another channel with a ridiculous attempt at making an avant garde video which, for the record, I'm completely okay with, mainly because it gave us this:
No, I did not just spend 20 minutes figuring out how to make a gif for a throwaway joke, why do you ask?
However, there is only one person that can legitimately stake a claim to being THE person of the year....
Enter, Aamir Liaquat.
Secretly.
While you shower.
But don't worry, he's only here to tell you that zor say nahao, aur ghussay say nahao, kaho k pani pagal hai.
Deep down, he just has the best interests for your hygiene at heart.
Now I know what you're thinking, this guy? But trust me, he deserves every bit of it. And not only does he deserve to win this year, but that he should win every year. I've always felt like I and Aamir Liaquat are a lot alike. Only that he's famous and I'm not and we don't know each other, and are not related whatsoever. Other than that? TOTALLY THE SAME. We both don't know what the name of that "tirchi topi wala actor", we both accidentally made a video that one time that became a minor hit but then we both pretended like we didn't have anything to do with it. The only other real difference is I sort of have a basic understanding of how to host a talk show without making a fool out of myself.
I imagine one day we’ll meet each other, and I’ll ask him to unblock me on Twitter and he’ll reply, “Ghussay say bolo! Zor say bolo kay satkay huay mujhay unblock kar.”, and we’ll both start laughing and I’ll give him the “I see what you did there” look.
Still, back to the topic, you need to have cajones of steel to have this kind of laundry list of items that inspire hate-hooing from the populace and still be in a position of prominence and be revered bymillions thousands
hundreds tens around the globe. Let's keep track now, shall we? Guy had
his own religious talk show which was a huge hit and he was a member of one of
the leading political parties in the country. He then gets caught in the fake
degree scandal and it turns out that he's not an actual doctor. He then gets
kicked out of said party for “running his mouth too damn much” and “having a
face that’s too Aamir Liaquat-like”. Of course, I’m only paraphrasing.
Then, like every good fake doctor, he leaves the channel that made him famous for greener, more azad, more roshan and more yakta pastures, then has a video leaked of him that shows him in a more unflattering light than if he had been found watching a Kunal Khemu movie in theatre, yet STILL has the cuntery (new word I invented, patent pending) and political maneuverings to get hired back by the channel that first let him go to host their Ramzan telecast that enables him to be on TV 36 hours a day.
And starts to get referred to as a doctor again. Somehow.
I don't really know how that happened. But that's a man of steel, folks. And It's not like anything against him has ever been conclusively proven. Do YOU really have ANYTHING on him to say that has blemishes on his resume and doesn't have a completely clean track record...
Didn't think so.
Everyone around me went crazy as to how funny it was, for some reason but I remained clueless. Heck, I'll tell you the truth, even two months ago, I simply couldn't fathom why everyone loved it so much and But then came yesterday..... and I STILL couldn't figure out why the heck people went crazy for this thing. Then I did the only thing left to do: I tried listening to it, and BOOM!
There it was!
An enormous......
blob.....
of......
….nothingness!
I still had no idea what it was. I'm sorry, I just don't get it. I mean what is it really about the song and its chorus that drove people crazy? Seriously, what is so funny? The fact that he calls EVERYTHING Saeen? Or his "I'm having a stroke" dance moves? Or the fact that he may have coined a new Zen technique that goes, "Everything is Saeen and saeen is everything". Or maybe, just maybe, it's the fact that his girlfriend has a mustache!
Okay, I admit, the mustache part is clever, because if there's one thing we know, it's that people having the physical capabilities of the other gender is HILARIOUS! And how do I know that? Thanks to my cricket team in school that laughed at me because I fielded "like a girl".
Regardless of my failures at sports involving hand-eye coordination , given where we are as a society, I have came up with these handy choruses that you can use to come up with the super hit songs of 2013, if of course we happen to live that long.
1) Wooden bookshelf 2) Meri Laundry ka ek bill 3) Taash kee gaddi 4) Ek Aadhi parhi novel 5) School bag 6) Toota hua hockey 7) Coat hangers
Okay, so I half-ripped off "Rock On!" here. Yeah, like you can do better.
And I just came up with these using stuff from a two room radius! Y'see how easy this is! Break a leg, youngsters! Create the evergreen gems of tomorrow! I can see it now:
****
Bam! Nailed it.
And in conclusion, here’s a couple of awards that weren’t deemed noteworthy enough to get their full entry. And in conclusion, here’s a couple of awards that weren’t noteworthy enough to get their full entry.
Best fake apocalypse: The one with the Mayans
Best shooting of a 14 year old in the face: The one with Malala
Best riot under the pretense of protesting blasphemy: The one….gosh, there’s just too many. It would be unfair to pick just one. So instead, YOU’RE ALL WINNERS!
Umar Ahmed likes to write these terribly long word-fests so that they make him forget that he still hasn't become a registered Chartered Accountancy trainee. And that nobody loves him. He was also joking about not liking Humsafar, it's his favorite song. For realsies. In fact, here's a free plug for it, click here to listen to the song.
Just as I suspected.
****
6) The Stephen Colbert Person Of The Year Award:
6) The Stephen Colbert Person Of The Year Award:
Yes, it is now time for the prestigious of all awards; the award named after the late Stephen Colbert who passed away in my eyes, ever since I stopped getting Comedy Central; the award that honors the bravest of the brave, the brightest of the bright, and the best of the best.
Anyhow, you know the drill, the person winning this award has to have had the most outstanding achievement in the field of excellence throughout the year, without fail.
For the sake of simplicity (and ease of making jokes at their expense), only people from
There were many deserving candidates, like Waqar Zaka who continues to be a trend-setter when it comes to exploiting the mailas throughout the country; if not for him each of these people would have to go out and mingle with the society and *gasp* get actual jobs or maybe *double gasp* breed, so he's doing some good there. There was Mathira, who is still in the public eye, for some reason, despite doing absolutely nothing of note the entire year, and hence deserves at least an honorable mention.
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Maya Khan thanks to the whole "Oh-noes-she's-bothering-couples-on-LIVE-TV" debacle. There was Mubasher Luqman who took record time to fall from grace in the eyes of pseudo political analysts/general population of Pakistan and then even less to hype his upcoming grand "return" to another channel with a ridiculous attempt at making an avant garde video which, for the record, I'm completely okay with, mainly because it gave us this:
You're awesome in my book Mubasher, XOXOXOXOXO!
No, I did not just spend 20 minutes figuring out how to make a gif for a throwaway joke, why do you ask?
However, there is only one person that can legitimately stake a claim to being THE person of the year....
Yes, yes, fine, you can use this now. Jeez!
Enter, Aamir Liaquat.
Secretly.
While you shower.
But don't worry, he's only here to tell you that zor say nahao, aur ghussay say nahao, kaho k pani pagal hai.
Deep down, he just has the best interests for your hygiene at heart.
Now I know what you're thinking, this guy? But trust me, he deserves every bit of it. And not only does he deserve to win this year, but that he should win every year. I've always felt like I and Aamir Liaquat are a lot alike. Only that he's famous and I'm not and we don't know each other, and are not related whatsoever. Other than that? TOTALLY THE SAME. We both don't know what the name of that "tirchi topi wala actor", we both accidentally made a video that one time that became a minor hit but then we both pretended like we didn't have anything to do with it. The only other real difference is I sort of have a basic understanding of how to host a talk show without making a fool out of myself.
I imagine one day we’ll meet each other, and I’ll ask him to unblock me on Twitter and he’ll reply, “Ghussay say bolo! Zor say bolo kay satkay huay mujhay unblock kar.”, and we’ll both start laughing and I’ll give him the “I see what you did there” look.
Still, back to the topic, you need to have cajones of steel to have this kind of laundry list of items that inspire hate-hooing from the populace and still be in a position of prominence and be revered by
Then, like every good fake doctor, he leaves the channel that made him famous for greener, more azad, more roshan and more yakta pastures, then has a video leaked of him that shows him in a more unflattering light than if he had been found watching a Kunal Khemu movie in theatre, yet STILL has the cuntery (new word I invented, patent pending) and political maneuverings to get hired back by the channel that first let him go to host their Ramzan telecast that enables him to be on TV 36 hours a day.
And starts to get referred to as a doctor again. Somehow.
I don't really know how that happened. But that's a man of steel, folks. And It's not like anything against him has ever been conclusively proven. Do YOU really have ANYTHING on him to say that has blemishes on his resume and doesn't have a completely clean track record...
BESIDES THIS! DAMMIT!
Didn't think so.
7)
Least Expected Popular Chorus To A Song Award: Waderay Ka Beta
You know, six months ago, when the song
first came out, I had no idea what the big deal was.
Everyone around me went crazy as to how funny it was, for some reason but I remained clueless. Heck, I'll tell you the truth, even two months ago, I simply couldn't fathom why everyone loved it so much and But then came yesterday..... and I STILL couldn't figure out why the heck people went crazy for this thing. Then I did the only thing left to do: I tried listening to it, and BOOM!
There it was!
An enormous......
blob.....
of......
….nothingness!
I still had no idea what it was. I'm sorry, I just don't get it. I mean what is it really about the song and its chorus that drove people crazy? Seriously, what is so funny? The fact that he calls EVERYTHING Saeen? Or his "I'm having a stroke" dance moves? Or the fact that he may have coined a new Zen technique that goes, "Everything is Saeen and saeen is everything". Or maybe, just maybe, it's the fact that his girlfriend has a mustache!
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, wait, why is this funny again?"
Okay, I admit, the mustache part is clever, because if there's one thing we know, it's that people having the physical capabilities of the other gender is HILARIOUS! And how do I know that? Thanks to my cricket team in school that laughed at me because I fielded "like a girl".
Regardless of my failures at sports involving hand-eye coordination , given where we are as a society, I have came up with these handy choruses that you can use to come up with the super hit songs of 2013, if of course we happen to live that long.
1) Wooden bookshelf 2) Meri Laundry ka ek bill 3) Taash kee gaddi 4) Ek Aadhi parhi novel 5) School bag 6) Toota hua hockey 7) Coat hangers
Okay, so I half-ripped off "Rock On!" here. Yeah, like you can do better.
And I just came up with these using stuff from a two room radius! Y'see how easy this is! Break a leg, youngsters! Create the evergreen gems of tomorrow! I can see it now:
Classic!
But
hey, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there is something to this Ali Gul Pir guy after
all. I mean, he does point out the ills of the wadera-ness in the country in a
perversely entertaining way. And yes, it is not right to pick on someone while
I only have the one single impression of them. Maybe I should wait for more
before forming an opinion of him. And who’s to say, maybe next time he whips up
something sophisticated, something that makes me eat my words.
Yeah, maybe not.
****
8)
Movie of the Year Award: The Dark Knight Rises
Oh well, gotta have a movie award. Okay, I'll come clean, I'm writing this part in June. This whole piece has been written at different times throughout the year, for reasons I don't completely remember, but seemed awesome to me at that time. So at this point in time, I have zero idea how the movie is going to be. Mainly because it hasn't come out yet.
But given the hype, it would literally have to be the greatest movie made in the history of forever or it's immediately going to become the worst movie of all time in the eyes of fanboys, yours truly included. The key here is the excessive hype, which means that the movie is inevitably going to not live up to our bloated expectations and be considered bad, and that's sorta the risk you take while marketing sequels. So you see, it's going to be tough, but if there's one man who I can put my utmost faith on to pull this mother off, it's this man:
Oh well, gotta have a movie award. Okay, I'll come clean, I'm writing this part in June. This whole piece has been written at different times throughout the year, for reasons I don't completely remember, but seemed awesome to me at that time. So at this point in time, I have zero idea how the movie is going to be. Mainly because it hasn't come out yet.
But given the hype, it would literally have to be the greatest movie made in the history of forever or it's immediately going to become the worst movie of all time in the eyes of fanboys, yours truly included. The key here is the excessive hype, which means that the movie is inevitably going to not live up to our bloated expectations and be considered bad, and that's sorta the risk you take while marketing sequels. So you see, it's going to be tough, but if there's one man who I can put my utmost faith on to pull this mother off, it's this man:
There's
at least three mindf***s hidden in his suit at this time.
Still,
being the bastion of journalistic integrity that I am, here's a generic by the
numbers review that fits both ways, even if the movie is mind-numbingly good or
skull-crushingly disappointing:
"What a movie! Never seen anything like it! Man, you folks had it right when you said all that stuff about how it was going to be. The part that caused me to feel the way I do about the movie the most would have to be that scene with the actors and uh, locations where they talked and stuff happened, yeah, that part. And can you believe that ending? What a doozy! I have a feeling of relief and/or sadness that it's going to be over now depending on whether I loathed or liked the movie. Now I'm going to go and kill myself for having used the word doozy in 2012."
"What a movie! Never seen anything like it! Man, you folks had it right when you said all that stuff about how it was going to be. The part that caused me to feel the way I do about the movie the most would have to be that scene with the actors and uh, locations where they talked and stuff happened, yeah, that part. And can you believe that ending? What a doozy! I have a feeling of relief and/or sadness that it's going to be over now depending on whether I loathed or liked the movie. Now I'm going to go and kill myself for having used the word doozy in 2012."
"Man,
this sure was something!"
Bam! Nailed it.
****
And in conclusion, here’s a couple of awards that weren’t deemed noteworthy enough to get their full entry. And in conclusion, here’s a couple of awards that weren’t noteworthy enough to get their full entry.
Best fake apocalypse: The one with the Mayans
Best shooting of a 14 year old in the face: The one with Malala
Best riot under the pretense of protesting blasphemy: The one….gosh, there’s just too many. It would be unfair to pick just one. So instead, YOU’RE ALL WINNERS!
****
And that's it for another year. Till the day I learn what the word brevity means, I remain Umar Ahmed.
Umar Ahmed likes to write these terribly long word-fests so that they make him forget that he still hasn't become a registered Chartered Accountancy trainee. And that nobody loves him. He was also joking about not liking Humsafar, it's his favorite song. For realsies. In fact, here's a free plug for it, click here to listen to the song.
