Don't Try This At Home

Try it in a park.

Or in a club.

Or on a beach.

Or in a supermarket. (ain't that right, Booker?)

Because apparently it's okay to do it anywhere other than home.

Yes everybody, welcome to the lamest slogan this side of " Brrrrrrrrrrr."

Seriously, did no one in their entire company see how lousy the tag-line is to their "protect yourself" campaign?

Anyways, it's wrestling I'm talking about today, and yes, once again it's something about me so my promise to pour hatred on random nonsense remains unfulfilled. But don't worry, I think all of this "talking about me" business will lead up to something. Of course, right now I can't fathom what it would be but I can assure you, it would be pretty...................................
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.
.
ugly.

Yes, I'm not proud of that one either.

In fact, I think this is going to be the long-term storyline going forward, when exactly will I start talking about things other than myself.

And if everybody behaves, I might even pull a TNA and forget about it completely, midway through.

But, now that the regularly scheduled "lame joke of the week" is out of the way, let me say that in addition to other things I've been thinking of reviewing wrestling shows as well.....


*ducks*




I know, I know, I've already promised to review other stuff and so far have done absolutely zilch but I'm just saying this to let everybody know in advance. Just in case.

Now, I know most people aren't interested in wrestling so I was thinking of dividing this into parts to make it easy to understand, from my first exposure to wrestling to what I hate about it, from what I like or would like in wrestling to reflecting upon the recent happenings. But I'm lazy, and a jerk, so I won't.

The bad jokes, however have been adjusted so that they are completely random so that you're NEVER able to escape them, HA!

Anyways, I remember watching my first wrestling show in maybe 2000 or so and walking away within 30 minutes because the opening segment just wouldn't end. It just kept dragging on, it started with one guy talking in the ring and then more guys entered the ring to talk some more and the number of guys in the ring just kept increasing and increasing. I may be exaggerating about the number of men and the time here but the worst part was that I had no idea what any of the guys were saying and that made it infinitely worse. I thought that they'd never get to any matches. Although, now I know, it was WCW Nitro that I'd seen that day and they were in their final months before being bought out by the WWE at the time and more often than not tended to do stupid crap like that.

Thank God, WWE never does any wacky shenanigans like that, eh?

*ahem*

Anyways, I came back later and actually enjoyed the in-ring work done, and became a wrestling fan. I watched on and off for a couple of years, most of the story-lines were pretty dumb, as the standard at the time for WCW at that time. But I had become a fan from that very first show, that lousy episode of Nitro.

Wrestling forms a pretty decent part of my daily activities, be it watching or actually doing with brothers and making my parents go crazy. This along with reading comics makes me the loser geek that I am. Wrestling combines my love for theatrics, acrobatics and combat sports.

I've liked combat sports ever since I was little. I attribute it to being bullied by the kids at school and then entertaining juvenile fantasies of getting back at them by giving them the ol' one-two. But even when I was little, I found boxing pretty boring. The boxers, no matter whom, were both always pretty much the same. Why should I like one more than the other? There was no emotional involvement, no personality. That's why professional wrestling instantly grabbed me (and tried to give me a German suplex, but don't worry, I countered), because the wrestlers were the characters, people identified with the characters and each week you could see those characters being developed, in turn creating emotional involvement for the audience. I mean seriously, what's entertaining about two guys just punching each other. At least take it to the ground dammit! That's why I love me some MMA. They actually make the effort to get their fighters to emotionally connect with the audience in order for the audience to shell-out their hard-earned cash.

Getting back to topic, I started watching wrestling regularly in 2002 almost coinciding with that year's Wrestlemania. The thing that sticks out most to me about that time period was that almost all of the WWE's top movers and shakers were on their way out. The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin and Hulk Hogan, all left within the same year and were never regular performers again (now granted, Hogan was just in there for like a cup of tea but still.) It wasn't all bad, as many talented people debuted and some returned. John Cena, Randy Orton and Batista all made their debuts in 2002 and even though it would be many years till they became the stars that they are today, their debuts along with the return of a certain Heart Break Kid and the Brand Extension makes 2002 significant. Not to mention of course, TNA also formed in that same year. Suffice to say, it was a pretty eventful year. That year was a highlight for my wrestling watching, and they're yet to bypass it in terms of good story-lines and stellar in-ring action. Of course, the whole Katie Vick fiasco also happened that vary same year but still. These days I watch wrestling just out of habit. The old feeling is gone. Some of it has to do with the PG rating, some with the dull story-lines and the more-often-than-not-bland in-ring work.


Anyways, enough Mr-reminiscing-guy, moving on to the meat and potatoes of this blog, the part where I pour my venom on stuff, as it's now time for the hate portion of the evening:

One of my biggest peeves regarding wrestling is when people say that it's fake. Well, duh! WE GET IT, EVERYBODY KNOWS IT'S FAKE. It's watched because it's entertainment, nobody watches because they think it's real (of course a point can be made as to what kind of a person would be entertained by half-naked men pretending to beat each other up, all the while being involved in surreal story-lines, but I digress). And also, what's wrong with it being fake? Almost everything on television these days is fake (except reality shows of course, in which case, it's EXTRA fake). Nobody thinks Kiefer Sutherland is actually Jack Bauer. Everybody knows the island on LOST does not exist and that House is not a real person (and for good reason, we all know that there's only room for one fast-talking manipulative douchebag at a time in this world and right now that spot belongs to Kevin Trudeau. That's right.).

Anyways, the point is that most of the stuff on TV is fake, so the big fuss because of the prescripted nature of wrestling is beyond me. Also, the fact is that any stunts performed by wrestlers (jumping off of heights and stuff) are performed by the wrestlers themselves while any stunts performed by the characters on TV are more than likely to be done by stunt-doubles. That gives wrestlers an edge in my book(which hits bookstores soon............................. and discount bins soon-after).

And don't get me started on the nonsense that wrestlers aren't real athletes.

Too late.

I've started now.

Professional wrestlers, whether performing for the big two companies or not, live the most hectic lifestyle there is in all forms of physical activities and sports, be it the traveling or the training or the actual performing. The physical punishment wrestlers take in, is just leaps and bounds ahead of any other sport or activity involving physical wear and tear. And anybody who disagrees with that statement might want to check in with the current UFC heavyweight champion (see Lesnar, Brock). That's right, a former professional wrestler is on the top of the mountain in a real legitimate sport i.e. MMA.

Of course, my ultimate peeve regarding wrestling has to be wrestling videos on video-hosting sites that show wrestling at its awkwardest, like maybe a guy who called a move very loud (see Shamrock, Ken) or a spot that came off very telegraphed looking, where the uploader "reveals" how fake wrestling is like the biggest news of the world. Great use of your time guys and a great discovery! Maybe next time you could waste your time searching for the Lochness monster or looking for Kennedy's assassins.


Or doing CA.


Or writing a blog.


Or watching Twilight.


I think it's for people like that, this picture surfaced:



Speaking of CM Punk, he certainly has my vote for the best gimmick of the century, and maybe the second best gimmick ever after Stone Cold's gimmick of a beer-drinking foul-mouth working class anti-hero. People often say how backwards this gimmick is, as the character played by CM Punk should be face (good guy) and not a heel (bad guy). Point taken, but Punk's gimmick (that of a Straight Edge elitist) is just a bit high-concept for the average wrestling viewer who's been given years of clearly defined black and white characters. It shows a prominent ill of today's society, that excessive political correctness is indeed a bad thing, and that nothing should take away an individual's freedom of choice. And that's something that Punk's character tries to do. Besides, Punk works way better as a heel. His heel heat is the best I've ever seen for someone that wasn't even in the company 4 years ago.

That's just how my taste for gimmicks goes. It should, no doubt, be larger than life, but still somewhat realistic and preferably an extension to the performer's real life personality. That's why I've never been a big fan of Randy Orton's viper gimmick. Not very realistic. I liked him as the Legend Killer more, but everybody has got to evolve (heh!) and so did Orton. But still, his performance of that character is spot-on. That, and the RKO is my favorite finishing move of all time. Even more so than the stunner or the ankle lock.

Moving on to my liking of wrestling styles, I've always been a fan of mat-based wrestling more as compared to the high octane spotfests. TLC matches and garbage brawls will always have a special place in my heart, no matter what, but there's just more to a wrestling match than cages, tables breaking, people hitting each other with chairs and jumping off ladders. Which brings me to the three S's that I want from my wrestling.

And no they're not "Spongebob", "Squarepants" and "Sellout", even though they're true.

I mean seriously, what does Spongebob have to do with yogurt?

The words are actually, "Story-telling", "Selling" and "Psychology" (a special shout-out to the fellow who gave us the JJJ blooper).

Was TLC II entertaining? I'll Bet my premium edition Bolmeteus Steel Dragon that it was, but was it logical? No, sadly it wasn't. People taking such serious bumps should not be able to get up as soon as the guys in the match did. That's the whole concept of "selling", to sell the belief that the injury sustained is real.

Also, a wrestling match should have a decent amount of story-telling in that it slowly builds to a fast and furious climax section.

And there should be psychology, or in other terms, common sense. I for the life of me never understand the logic when in a three way, two guys are fighting and the third one interferes. Wouldn't you rather want the other two to fight it out with each other so you can take advantage when they are tired?

Maybe I'm looking too deep into this. After all, it's just a bunch of guys pretending to beat each other up. Maybe I should just take it for what it is.

And of course, in today's world of 2 minute matches and constant PPV plugs, it's impossible to have all this stuff in every match so I'm willing to let that point slide.

And it's just impossible to not enjoy a TLC match, they're just harmless fun.


Unless you're one of the participants.


Before I go, I want to talk about some of the recent happenings in the world of professional wrestling, or more specifically, the Nexus storyline.

The Nexus angle in my opinion has cooled off after the initial surprise attacking of John Cena. It still has legs, but right now, after the insane firing of Bryan Danielson and the Nexus group not working any actual damn matches, the whole storyline has come to the "good stuff" category rather than the "absolute must watch" that people were hoping for after the initial hit on Cena. With that being said, I absolutely loved their attack on Ricky Steamboat as it was as perfect as can be, their entire heel act was superb and the look on Justin Gabriel before hitting the 450 splash was just icing on the cake.

Yes, I'm still very upset about the Bryan Danielson firing and the WWE's excuse for it is pretty maddening as well. I read this on a site:

"Several sources are reporting that Daniel Bryan was released by WWE for going too far beyond the WWE PG standard during the first NXT assault on Monday's Raw. The main issue was his choking of Justin Roberts with Justin's own tie, which goes against a rule put in place after the Benoit tragedy: you cannot use ropes or other objects to choke your opponents."

Other than that, rumours circulating around the web are that a sponsor may or may not have seen the attack on RAW and deemed it too graphic for TV-PG standards and asked Vince McMahon to release Danielson. And McMahon, scared of losing the sponsor, may or may not have complied with their demands.

*Ah-Choo*

*Ah-Choo*

Excuse me!

I'm sorry, it's jut that I'm allergic to BS.

I mean, come on!

You mean to tell me that this is their entire reasoning for the removal of the best worker and possibly the biggest star in Nexus. Where is Vince McMahon, evil and ruthless promoter who never gives in to anybody's demands?

Probably the same place where Fox News' neutrality is.

Heh!

Trick joke! Fox was never neutral to begin with.

Fair and Balanced............................not!

Seriously though, Chris Benoit was the last thing on my mind while watching the first Nexus attack. That, and the fact that the camera just happened to be right there simply points out that it was a planned spot, meaning that Danielson got fired doing something he was told to do.

And if choking with foreign objects is not allowed, what about Orton choking Cena with a stick last year?

Or Cena choking Orton with a pair of handcuffs in the very same match?

If you're going to be idiotic, WWE, at least be consistent.

Maybe it's because Cena and Orton are bigger stars.

Or that there were a lot more eyeballs watching on Raw than at Breaking Point, but it still is petty.

Even pettier than WWE banning reverse knife edge chops because they make the audience go "WOOOO!" which reminds them of Ric Flair, which inadvertently promotes TNA because that's where Flair's working.

I'm sorry, but after hearing this, I just have to take a break from this blog for this news update.............




I mean, seriously WWE, you guys make me ashamed of being a wrestling fan with your continued nonsense.


Getting back to Danielson though, I think this is going to blow over once the 90 day time period is over and he'll be back with the company at some point. But this asinine firing does kill the momentum his character was gaining.

Still, I'm not worried.

If Chris Masters can make a return, so can Danielson.

I could be wrong.

But I feel that he'll be back.

Until then though, I'm with dragon.



So that's it then, I was initially thinking of putting in my favorite matches here as well, but this is very, very long as is, so maybe some other time.

Anyway, I'm going to go now and study for the test that I have tomorrow.....................


*Ah-Choo*


Damn!


Next Time : I put to rest a huge concern on the minds of readers of Unhinged everywhere, finally start reviewing stuff (about damn time!) and FINALLY STOP USING these awful "Next Time" plugs. All this and a truck load of nonsense along with the usual sprinkles of tasteless humor, next time.



I'm Umar Ahmed.


P.S. I'm a lot tougher now bullies, you just wait. If we ever cross paths again, you're dead men.......

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.

.

.

.... dead women actually.



Umar Ahmed is a man who is rarely serious, if ever. The only things that change his non-serious disposition are, people making fun of his weight, wrestling, not getting enough food and losing his sharpener. He often gets off topic while talking and starts rambling nonsensically, as crazy people are wont to do. He's currently working on his autobiography, "Umar Ahmed - Unhinged Till I Die". Apparently, he chose that title because "Big Fat Loser" was already taken.

Things I Wanted To Be/Could Have Been

Ever wondered what a crazy person might want to do with his life?

Ever wanted to take a sneak peek into the vile trash-sty that is the unhinged mind to see its thoughts regarding it's career?

Exactly what might he choose as a profession?

Can an elephant fly?

Will I ever label my posts with something other than words starting with "R"?

Am I an idiot?

If you answered "no" to all questions, save maybe the last, then you're probably sane.

But then again, you're reading this, so I'm not sure.

Eh, it doesn't matter, I'm still going to tell you what my previous life ambitions were. I say previous because as of right now I'm stuck in a full-time nightmare, straight out of Ground-hog Day, with no hopes of getting out. But we'll get to that later.

And no, it's not New Moon playing on an endless loop.

It's close, but it's not that.

You'll probably notice but most of the professions given aren't exactly "orthodox". Well, to that I give the extremely "witty" response of, "Well, I'm not orthodox either."

But you'll see that for yourself shortly.

Now, I know when I promised to talk about an actual topic (which this is, so I didn't lie at least), this isn't what most people had in mind. But the thing is, I'm just so creatively bankrupt that I just can't think of anything else to talk about other than myself.

Which means that I'm either the most interesting personality in the world.

Or an extremely self-centered and selfish jerk.

Personally, I'm pulling for the latter.

But don't worry, I will talk about other stuff sometime, maybe review things, stuff like movies, books, music or maybe some TV.

If I'm sober enough, that is.

Should be one of these days.

Weeks.

Months maybe.

I can bet one year should definitely be enough.

Which reminds me, people seem to have not liked my blatantly spewing my Straight Edge propaganda (Because everyone knows, not smoking, not drinking and not doing drugs is actually a bad thing), so there's going to be at least two liquor references per blog post from now on.

I can see that if I don't start this soon I'm going to start ranting away on the benefits of Straight Edge.

On a side-note, I will delete any comments that don't sing praises of what I write. This certainly seems to be the best way to handle criticism. Who needs "bettering yourself" when you can just delete comments. That's definitely the way to go. I heard that's how they won World War 2 as well.

Deleting comments:




Anyways, let's get this show on the road.

Here they are, in no particular order (except increasing order of drunkenness), the things that I wanted to be in life or that I could have been:

1) Scientist



This is the first thing in my life that I ever remember wanting to be. I was fairly young at the time. Maybe 4 or 5. 6 tops. I didn't even have an idea of what a scientist actually was. I seemed to have confused scientist with inventor back then. All that came to my mind when I thought of scientists was guys from NASA working on rockets and Edison. The first person I ever associated with being a scientist was Dr. Pat Pending from Hanna Barbara's Wacky Races (pictured above). Man, this guy was my favorite character on the series. I remember me and my cousins getting together and watching the show and getting all worked up over who was going to win. Good times!

I remember liking Dick Dastardly second best. Even back then I liked villains better. To me, they were and still are more interesting than plain ol' heroes.

Unless it's Rorschach.

Then it gets interesting.

2) Artist




No, I'm not the guy who made this, although, I certainly am better looking.

Oh yeah, comparing myself to a person who was known for his ugliness, that's the way to self-promote. *sigh*

See, once upon a time I had this crazy intention of wanting to draw stuff. I was about 9 or 10. Since this was the first sign I had shown of not being suffering from the Savant syndrome, my parents happily bought me art supplies. We used to get Kermit channel back then which had a program that taught young people how to draw. The guy used to take his time drawing, so I could easily follow him. What troubled me though, was when he started coloring the picture. I remember tearing many a drawings mid way when I screwed up the coloring process. I followed that show for about two years and the pictures I drew turned out pretty well for a 10 year old, I think.

But I also think that Stephen Colbert and Soupy Sales are the same person, so beware. I used to put those pictures up on my closet door. Then in a folder when I grew up and was too embarrassed with people seeing the pictures and giving me the 'how cute' smile. Then, I lost the folder in one of my many, many moves to other cities. I miss it to this day. *sob*

Good alibi, eh?

3) Comic strip writer



This actually puts two of my ambitions together, one of becoming a writer and one of being an artist.

This bug bit me shortly after I encountered my first comic strip( I'll be covering this in detail in my post about comics, if I ever do get around to writing that. Lousy studies! making me miss blogging).

It was Tarzan in one of the old editions of 'Jung'. I loved all three panels and got excited waiting for the next part of the story. Before realizing, of course, that we got 'Jung' only two days a week.

Not many people know this about me but I actually wrote and drew a comic strip in fourth grade. Since I wasn't exactly "creative" back then (not that I'm any better now), I used the only character I knew about, Tarzan. Since I was extremely lousy with the art (not that I'm any better now) when I'm not aping somebody, (like the guy from Kermit), I drew pathetic stick figures to show the action. And since I was extremely crappy with plot and stuff (you know the drill, still not any better), I used the basic "Tarzan's jungle gets invaded and he has to fight back and save it" storyline. I remember drawing one 3 panel strip per day and filling up my entire note book. Of course, there used to be a lot of fainting (I had to put in some cliffhangers) and fighting and not much in terms of plot movement and dialogue. I remember Tarzan using dynamite to blow up the enemy camp in the end. And by the end, I mean when there were just a few pages left in my notebook. How he got the dynamite, I don't recall. I had that notebook all the way up to 2002 when I lost it another one of my moves.

Curse my many moves!

Note: the picture above compares Spider-Man Masterworks Volume 2 to Spider-Man Omnibus volume 1.

Yes, I'm a comic book geek.

4) Investigator

I put the blame squarely on Ishtiaq Ahmed for this one. When I was about 8 or 9, I couldn't get enough of his books. Reading his books, I thought of myself as investigator extraordinaire. I even bought a magnifying glass that I carried with me. I still have that to this day. Boy, was I stupid.

Even back then though, his biggest creation, Inspector Jamshed seemed too over the top and larger than life for me to like. While, Shoki on the other hand was just my type of character. Vulnerable but still somewhat entertainingly brilliant. Of course, I hadn't seen the "good stuff" back then so I used to think Ahmed was the greatest writer in the world.

Now I see write (get it? eh, EH? Ugh, I'm getting old) through his style. I see his characters as the paper thin one dimensional cardboard cutouts that they were (Mehmood was an effing catchphrase for crying out loud!), I see his stories as the same old rehashed story-lines and plot devices, in use since the days of Ibn-e-Safi, that they were and I see the wacky banter between the characters that I used to get a kick out of in the past as the money-making instrument that it was.

*deep breath*

Okay, let's continue.

5) Lawyer


This is where the title of the post comes into play. Not every thing that I could have been was also something I wanted to be.

Case in point, I've never wanted to be a lawyer. My dad always thought I was a good talker and would make a good lawyer. Hence, he wanted me to be just that.

Many of my friends also called me a good talker, but since they also called me some other things, that makes their opinion, and my friendship with them, void. I've never wanted to be a lawyer in my life and being the (alleged) good talker that I am, I managed to "talk" my dad out of making me go that path before completing my matriculation. Good thing too, considering the current state of this once noble and honest profession that was a thing of integrity in the past.


Oh wait!

6) Secret Agent



Boy, it's downright embarrassing admitting this. Even though it's one of those juvenile fantasies we all have (don't lie) that don't even stay with you two months down the road. What's even more embarrassing is that it's not even the stupidest I-wanna-be on this list. I wanted to be a secret agent fairly early in my life, I think circa 1996 or something. All I remember is watching a Bond movie with Pearce Brosnan ( my favorite Bond, bar none) and being awestruck. It was my first Bond movie ever and I was ecstatic the whole time. I don't remember the name of the movie at this point(by which I mean six shots of Jack Daniels in), but I do remember that it had Bond driving a car from the back seat with a remote control. And being the lazy slob that I am, I've never bothered to look the name up. Back then, nothing thrilled me more than the prospect of me destroying the plot of the enemies, dodging them and then fleeing on a jet-pack. Of course, back then, the enemy I visualized looked an awful lot like my old Social Studies teacher. Oh well!

Okay, enough embarrassment,

NEXT!


7) Writer

This was probably my ambition for the shortest time. I was reading a magazine once and decided that I could be one of them writer nitwits and could get my stuff published. I distinctly remember buying a note book for that purpose, wasting almost three hours waiting for an idea to hit me and then deciding it wasn't worth it and quitting.

Seriously, this is how long this ambition of mine lasted.

Short and painful.

Kinda like my transcript.

8) Professional Wrestler



Drum roll please, we now have a winner of the stupidest-thing-somebody-ever-wanted-to-be contest.

I first saw wrestling in 2000 or something and remember being blown away. Wrestling was and still is one of my guilty pleasures. Wrestling offers a variety of different tastes, from classic technical grappling encounters (more to my liking) to garbage brawling including cages, ladders, tables and chairs and if you're lucky, you might even experience a guy going bonkers and offing himself and his family.


Yep, I'm going to hell.


Anyways, my quest to become a wrestler started immediately after watching my first wrestling show. I was too young (read: too stupid) at that time to know about the predetermined nature of this pseudo-sport. Even though I didn't now the ins and outs of the business back then (I still don't but I like to pretend that I do), I knew that you needed a gimmick to get over with the audience. I thought of the most realistic character I could think of, and that was of a Muslim person who felt racially abused because of his ethnicity and religion.

I developed a ponch shortly thereafter and gave up on my dream.

Yes, that's all it takes for me to lose my focus.

Short attention span eh, what're ya going to do.

Years later, in 2004, they actually used this gimmick with a guy they named Muhammad Hassan. So, I wasn't completely off my rocker regarding the business (note the emphasis on completely).


9) CA



This is going to be the only exception to the title of the post. Doing Chartered Accountancy is not something I could have been (since I'm still doing it, and having a hard time doing it) and it's also not something I've ever wanted to be in life. I've always wanted to go for a vocation that required hard work, was well-respected and was something that paid pretty well too.

But after they turned me down when I auditioned for modeling, I decided to go for CA.

Heh! Joking.

Come on, I just like to have my little fun with CA.

It definitely has it's share of awesomeness (word on the street is that you can actually see its awesomeness if you have a microscope powerful enough!)

What's funny is that CA combines some of the things in my life that I could have been. It puts together my passion of fleeing countries from when I wanted to be a secret agent (if the word of one of my teachers is to be taken) along with my becoming something to do with the Law (CA has plenty of law in it, more than I can bear, actually) and adds it to being an investigator(which, let's face it, is essentially what an auditor is............... I just spit in the face of the definition of an auditor, didn't I?).

Just goes to show that sometimes in life, things don't exactly turn out the way you'd want them to and that you get the things that you least expect to get.

Kinda like my being a part of this profession when this was something I least expected.

Makes you wonder, no?

I just might turn into a Twilight fan after all.

YEAH, RIGHT!

I'm not that unhinged.

Next Time: I actually write about something other than myself. If I feel like it.

Till then,

I'm Umar Ahmed.


Umar Ahmed is a multi-layered person. Many believe that beneath his many dozen layers of immaturity and obnoxiousness, he has some sensibility and sophistication................. beneath which is another few dozen layers of nonsense and imbecility. He also claims to have coined the"I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patience." joke.

My Name Is

Starting this right now, I have the honest-to-earth intention of giving a brief introduction to myself, you know, stuff I like, stuff that makes me tick, that kinda post, so that people know a bit about me when I finally start writing about things, and aren't left with the feeling of "Huh.....wait....wha' the hell?".

Now granted, mostly you are going to be left with that feeling but it's going to be because of the bad jokes, not because you don't know me.

Point is, now that I'm here, I have a feeling the intro thing might not get to happen.

But that's just what I think.

I could be wrong.

Like the time I was when I thought investing in the Bey blade hoopla was a good idea.

So, intro huh?

Let me see.

What can I put in an intro and not make it suck?

I can't think of anything.

Which reminds me of my dislike of text speakers (actually, it doesn't, but I have to segue someway, don't I?). Now, let me explain. I don't really hate people who use text-speak. In fact, what I can really empathize with, is that to save money, people might shortchange some words, but it really gets distracting when most of the writing fails to make sense.

Like whomever came up with the bright idea of typing "this" as "dz" ought to be imprisoned for life, with the caption in the news stating, "Nw, dz iz kewl, LOL!" From what I've been told this kind of typing style makes you hip and cool and "down with it". Really? REALLY? That's all it takes to make an impression these days? What kind of a world are we living in, really?

But then again, this is the same world in which Bryan Danielson was fired by his company for doing what he was told to do, so I take my words back. It might be okay to text speak.

Which brings me to my next point, and this is an even more annoying one, what really is the use of modifying words when the same number of characters (or in some cases, even more) are used? Words like "Kewl" and "itx" irritate me to no extent and have marginally contributed to me having an honor code to beat up text speakers everywhere. But that's just how I feel from where I'm sitting.

In a jail cell.

Typing this on a stolen laptop.

Waiting to be bailed out.

Some police officers just have no respect for an honor code.

Help me!

Please.

Ahem!

My theory regarding text-speakers might be stupid, but certainly not stupider than guys going to Twilight screenings so that they can see girls, which for the record, has happened in the past.

In all fairness though, this last one pokes fun at Twilight fans rather than Twilight itself.

Speaking of which, it seems that my mocking Twilight in the debut post has gotten me some heat. I actually was told by an irritating deputy from the International Organization of Twilight (we're going to call 'im IDIOT from now on, get it?) to cut these jokes or pay the price.

Eh!

I think I have some change on me somewhere.

I know, I know.

I can almost hear the voices right now, (and for a change, they're not the non-existent ones that I usually hear.)

"IDIOT?? that's all you got, that's the lousiest name for a fake corporation ever. You're so handsome!"

Okay, maybe not that last part.

But still. You have a point. IDIOT is pretty bad.

But that's because you don't know my actual pitches.

I was actually going to go with even worse stuff,

like the Attendant from the Lovers Of Twilight Association (LOTAA)

Or the trainer from the Twilight Welfare Institution (TWIT)

So, apparently, you got off better.

Or not.

Clearly, I'm spending too much time making this crap up.


Now, I'm not a movie buff, I don't follow movies that much, and in most cases I don't have a problem with anything that the world likes. But I do have a problem with fans latching onto anything that makes money and has good looking actors and calling it the greatest ever. But that's just my opinion, no? Maybe following every other blockbuster is the way to go. Maybe those critics that have been in the movie industry for decades are dead wrong in their assessment.

Sorry Ebert!

Maybe those that are impressed by great special effects or the awesome fight sequences are right.

Maybe.

See, I have a formula regarding movies (or any other work of art for that matter) when I do watch them. It's just that there's so many great ones in this world, why waste your time with the ones that are not so good. Or if you do, why not do it when you've got the better movies out of the way.

But that's just me.

I could be wrong.

Same formula goes for my taste in music. Go for the good things first, which for some reason almost always turn out out be from before the year 2000.

I'm mostly a rock sorta person and am more interested in songs from the days past than any other.

Give me some Beatles, some Zepplin, some Stones, any day of the week. Miley Cyrus, Black-eyed Peas, Jay Sean, Ackcent and Kesha? Not so much. Now, I'm not saying they're bad(for the most part), it's just that I don't like that kind of stuff. But of course, there can really be no comparisons between the oldie goldies and today's stuff.

Spoiler Alert: the old stuff is better.


Okay now.


I think I've covered just about everything of note.


Oh right! I almost forgot to talk about books.


Let's do that one some other time because that might take a good long while to talk about.


But that's just me.


I could be wrong.


Next Time: I finally stop mocking random people and actually start writing about something.....

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........ and mocking specific people.


Till then,


I remain Umar Ahmed.


But that's just me.


I could be wrong.


Umar Ahmed is a man who likes to keep his head covered, although, that might be because of his increasingly evident white hair patch. He is a firm Straight Edger and believes that CM Punk can save this world, but since he also believes that the "R" in the ICAP's result text message means, " 'R'eally outstanding work, you can get a distinction next time, that's why I'm giving you one more opportunity to get the job done.", so take what he says with a few handfuls of salt. He also knew he couldn't write a serious introduction and boy, was he right.

First Blog AKA Can't Think Of A Title

Hi,

I'm Umar Ahmed.

And finally I have a forum to share my voice with you, dear reader, over different topics which have interested mankind for centuries and have had polarizing beliefs for a long time.

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That is of course (apart from being totally BULL!) an obnoxiously sugar coated way of saying that I'd been living on Mars for the last 10 years and only found out about this "web logging" thing when a couple of people I know started doing it.


In all fairness though, I'll probably be using this to spew hate all over people and stuff that I don't like.


That means you, Michael Cole and You, Limp Bizkit! And YOU, Miley Cyrus. Of course, we Can't forget YOU, Stephanie Mayer!


Also, from time to time I might be writing love letters to stuff that I actually do *shudder* like.


That means you, my precious Gwen Stacy. And you, Colbert Report! And of course, you, John Lennon.


Along the way you'll be treated (subjected?) to my own personal brand of humor "cleverly" called hUMAR which is so sick it can only be understood by the inmates of Fox River State Penitentiary......

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20 days later.


I know what you're thinking, "HUMAR, really?" I know it's lame. Probably lamer than sparkling vampires.


Then again, maybe not.


Here's hoping no one's in this with me for the long haul.


Because if you are, you'll regret it soon. I promise.


My name is Umar Ahmed and these have been some thoughts of an unhinged mind.



Umar Ahmed is a student of Chartered Accountancy who still hasn't passed his C module, NO MATTER WHAT he tells you! His passions include comic books (Alan Moore!), Professional Wrestling (WWF,er,WWE,er... the Punchy Mcstomping guy show!), classical music (Beatles!) and kicking the crap out of people who use text speak (Arrest Warrants!). He is oddly fascinated by his sharpener and eraser and claims that "they" talk to him. He has also cured AIDS.