The Hunger Games Review

Note: This was thrown together at the last minute, so it doesn't have the usual "care" and "zing" that I put into each of these posts and hence may accidentally be of a higher quality than the low bar I've painstakingly set for increasingly crappy blog posts.

Bait and Switch! There's no review! El Oh El! Trollface! Other look-how-funny crap. Okay, I haven't even seen the movie. Just named it this because A) let's face it, these days it's a sure-fire clicks getter, and B) I wanted to have a name that wouldn't spoil the topic of my post before reading and couldn't think of anything else.

I think this says more about how absolutely over-hyped the movie is rather than me lying (I always use this tactic when I'm caught lying). I'm not saying it's a bad movie or anything because I don't really have an opinion on it yet, but I don't like the hard-sell for it. Just sayin'. Still, how is a movie named The Hunger Games and is not based on the life and times of Anna Hazare.

No, no, no, I'm here because of an important issue. Y'see I was all set to just share cat photos (because it's the internet, that's what we do) and call it a post but something happened earlier this week that changed my mind, something about which everyone felt the need to talk and I'm no exception.....

Not this. Although it could've been and would have been totally justified.

No, it's something of far more epic proportions. And since I'm the beacon of live-wire that stays on the cutting edge of all that's newsworthy (?) aka an attention-who*e, I need to be a part of it. Now, I'm not one to have my twitter id plugged more than it needs to be (it's on the top-right of the page, in case anyone's wondering) but those that do indeed follow me on twitter (here) know that I'm not a big fan of meme break-outs on Facebook every couple of days. Hated the LET'S LIKE A MILLION PAGES thing, loathed the "what they think I do/what I really do" dealio, and with all due respect to the subject matter, I'm glad that the Kony 2012 madness never reached our country, mainly because we have our hands full with evil people in positions of prominence as is, but whatever. I'm just not one to indulge in fads. That's not me. I would never do something like that.

Like I said, I would never stoop that low. Ever. It's not in my blood.

But that's memes on a global scale. I'm here because of something a lot closer to home, i.e. our ridiculous cricket celebrations on Facebook, specifically the ones after the Asia Cup final this past week. Now before the cricket enthusiasts who are more proud of their nationality during the cricket world cup than they are on August 14th start bashing me before I've even made my point (heh, I wish), allow me to make my point so that all the-cricket-enthusiasts-who-are-more-proud-of-their-nationality-during-the-cricket-world-cup-than-they-are-on-August-14th can bash me with the knowledge that I thoroughly insulted them and hereby deserve said bashing.

Now, it's no secret that I'm not a fan of cricket. Or any form of physical exercise for that matter, as my still-waiting-to-be-unpacked-ab-king-pro will testify. But one thing I am a fan of, is the stupidity of the masses when it comes to cricket.

"Yay! Our team won! I love them.......until the next time they lose. Then they're dead to me.......until the next time they win. Then, yay! Our team won! I love them......"

Let's face it, we're (who am I kidding, YOU'RE!) silly like that regarding cricket and when it comes to praising the team/tearing them a new one. Now my philosophy regarding cricket is simple and was eloquently summed up here:

Yes, now I post photos of my tweets. You wait, it WILL get worse. I promise.

If there's one thing our cricket fans have consistently proved, it's that we're (you're?) the most fickle ones of ANY fanbase in the world. But out of those hundreds of thousands, only some feel the need to take the liberty of indulging the patriotic spirit by way of sharing "funny" comics on Facebook and unnecessary bashing of other teams. So after the finals of the Asia Cup came and went this past Thursday, it was truly a sight to behold the next two days as my Facebook was filled with "humorous" comics with illogically placed word-balloons and photos with offensive captions that was somehow supposed to wake the patriot within me. It did awaken something in me, and it wasn't patriotic spirit. And if you thought I wouldn't post some of those pictures here, then you're probably new to these parts. Here's some choice examples from the very finest Facebook had to offer throughout the four-team tournament:

"Yes, u won hearts, Bangali Tigers. But do note that WE won cup and baazi. Totally unrelated, but still."

Two things: 1) *manai and 2) Like a boss?? WTF? Again?

No sir, nothing weird about this at all.

You make an excellent point, Afridi's nose!

The funniest thing to me is how we're so up in arms and quick to condemn the Indian media to an eternal damnation for their allegedly biased reporting on cricket when our folks do the EXACT SAME THING. And for anybody that wants to point out that there's a difference between the news media of a country of 1.2 billion people and some idiots on Facebook, I offer the extremely intellectual response of: it's my blog, I can be illogical and afraid of being murdered in my bed for daring to go against our Indian overlords, if I want to.

What's even more hysterical than our hypocrisy regarding the Indian media is the response of the very same people who patronisingly applauded the Bangladeshi team on their effort upon learning of said team's decision to appeal for a five-run penalty. It was a chance to finally prove that we're all not utter and total idiots and only fair-weather supporters of neutral teams by not doing anything stupid about it but no, instead we had to get this:

Now, now, don't let properly photoshopping the Bangladeshi flag on the photo get in the way of some simply "hilarious" racism.

Although in Express' defense, why should Facebookers have all the fun?

Granted, this is only a minuscule part of the grand cricketing experience but it's things like this and excessive competitiveness that turn me off of the over-all charm of the sport. The idiocy and insanity that sometimes cricket brings is why I like something else that's a lot more rationale-oriented, why I'm a fan of the most reasonable sport in the world, one that doesn't involve people getting emotionally hurt by others.....

.

.

.

Professional Wrestling.

Mostly because it involves people physically getting hurt by others.

But still, when you come to think of it....

...... are the two really all that different?

Until the time I think of an ending even more anti-climactic than this, I remain Umar Ahmed.

Umar Ahmed's sole criteria for a new phone is "It should play Angry Birds". He has also vowed to riot if the Undertaker's streak breaks this Sunday at Wrestlemania. His deepest, darkest secret concern is people discovering that he rips off his writing style (if you could call it that) from Stephen Colbert's monologues.

Of bosses and tagging assignments

So yeah, blog's pretty much dead as I don't think I'll ever get around to completing my post about my first day at the audit firm which I started nearly two years ago, even though I have most of the details in bullet points. Heck, even the this-blog-is-dead post I started has been pending for more than a year now.

The reason I'm breaking my silence after this long is something that happened yesterday. Someone asked me (because they thought I steal my Facebook statuses from somewhere) to write four lines, any four lines on any topic in the world. And somehow I couldn't. I couldn't even get started. I had absolutely no idea what to write. So to live down my newly acquired name of Umar "status stealer" Ahmed, I decided I'll write those lines down here at 'Unhinged, while upping the ante at the same time as I write not four, not six, but EIGHT lines. Huzzah!

But now that I'm here, I have the same problem, I have no idea what to write. The only thing that I feel is even remotely close to writable (spoiler alert: it's not) is the fact that Telenor still haven't lifted their stupid 100 tweets/day via SMS limit on Twitter, a limit which no other network has. So I did the only sensible thing I could, I threatened them that if they don't end this stupidity before the big cricket match this Sunday, I'd bolt to another network. Yes, I threatened them like, I believe the correct hipster vernacular is, like a boss.

Speaking of which, what the f*ck did I miss? Where the hell this expression come from all of a sudden? Why in tarnation is it suddenly cool to do stuff "like a boss". I think I first heard it when a friend of mine recently said that he went through his exams like a boss. What does solving question papers have to do with being a boss. Who the hell exactly is this boss we're speaking of? Is it the crime lord wala boss, the one who leads a crime syndicate or are we talking the successful, but boring professional person who is higher than us in the office hierarchy, who we willingly lose golf games to? Either way, why would I wanna do stuff like either of these people? Why is attempting your exams like a boss something someone would be proud of, something I'd want to brag about? Hell, how exactly do you sit in your exams like a crime lord? I believe it has something to do with stabbing the invigilator in the leg when he catches you cheating. I just don't get it.

Speaking of which, bitchin' about "like a boss" means that I have officially run out of stuff to vent on, like a boss.

Yeah I went there. But hey, it filled eight lines, didn't it? So, mission accomplished. Hurray for wasting time!

And now, for no other reason than to be a douche, please enjoy this mid-post font change:

In other news, I've been a tagging assignment for the past two weeks and not that it's bad, but I have come to the conclusion that if things could go any more boring or any slower, we might as well be moving backwards in time. Here's the list of things I came up with that I would rather do than be on a tagging assignment:

1. Write my blog

2. Watch Twilight

3. Read someone else's blog

4. Go out in public wearing my wrestling belt

5. Read Twilight

6. Be interested in politics

7. Join politics

8. Think about Twilight

9. Make lists about things I'd rather do than be on a tagging assignment

10. Make an Orkut account

11. Praise Twilight

12. Switch to frickin' Ufone because there's no limit on Twitter texts there (please don't let me down Telenor!)

And since I have no good seque-way to pimp my other social networking exploits, I won't use one, so:

Finally, I now have a tumblr too, so now there's one more avenue for me to get ignored at. Follow me (and unfollow me mere hours later when you find out about my idiotic tumblr exploits) here:

www.theumarahmed.tumblr.com

And of course, there's also my ever-loving Twitter id which now comes in "clean" and "idiotic and scummy jokes included" versions:

www.twitter.com/theumarahmed

To access the clean version, just press the small white cross with the red background on the upper-right corner of your screen. And that's that. It's also pimped on the upper right corner of your screen. For real this time.

Till next time someone challenges me to write four lines,

I remain Umar Ahmed.

Umar Ahmed recently lost the back cover to his phone in the factory of his client and takes it as a sign from above that he should buy a new phone. He also likes to hum the self composed mesh-up of the Mission Impossible theme song and the Singham title track in the shower.

The Unhinged Review Of "Master Race"

First things first.

Guess who's back?

Now, I could be a tad bit immodest and say that it was somewhat because of my ranting and raving that they went out of their way and decided to bring him back, but instead, I'll be a douchebag and take FULL credit for it. Yes sir, you heard it. It was all because of me. My praises.... sing 'em.


Also, belated Eid wishes to all specials and ordinaries alike. Here's a little something I got for the queen of the country:




I know she's into shoes but I couldn't afford any so....


Clever, aren't I? And the best part is that if I get caught, I could as easily say that this was actually meant to be a high five.


No sir. No way could this ever go wrong.


And on that cheerful note:


Hey there, party people!


This, of course, is another Unhinged Mind post, winner of the Most One-Dimensional Blog title award and voted as the Second Least Inspired Name Of All Time (lost to Michael McGillicutty).

And today, for the millions upon millions of my readers, I will finally start reviewing stuff, which admittedly, I promised eons ago, it seems.

It was all because of whachoo call 'em? "Exams" or something. I know, weird isn't it? Someone like me actually going through a somewhat normal phase of life.

Now, seeing that I've burned up quite a lot of web-space (with more to follow) without actually starting the review, I've decided to review something small. It's a little ditty called Master Race which I happen to like quite a lot.

Now I know what you're thinking, "Of all the hate this guy promised us, the first tangible thing he talks about turns out to be something he likes, what are the odds of that happening?". Well, the real reason for choosing Master Race is that I had this crazy great idea that if I start by talking about something I like, it gives me instant credibility when I tear idiotic stuff apart. I know it's nutty, but that's all I got.

Anyways, let's get down to the review, BUT WAIT!!

There's something I need to get off my chest first. I don't know how to say this but, it's just that,

*cue ominous music*

I won't be doing this blogging stuff regularly.

Now don't get me wrong, I love interacting with my readers (both of you!) But there's a couple reasons for this, some are better than the others, but in the end, they're all lousy (kinda like movies in the Twilight series). Here they are:

1) First things first, I am not, I repeat, AM NOT what you'd call "a writer". Always been lousy with a pen in my hand and in all likeliness, always will be. Also, I've never claimed to be a writer and most probably never will. I'm just some hack on the internet who thinks he's got way too much free time. Point being, for a person like me, it's awful hard to collect my thoughts and put them in a logical manner so that they make sense(not that they ever do make sense) . So, that's why it takes more time for me to write these and hence, less posts.


See, I told you they were lousy reasons....


2) By not writing many of these blogs, I'll give my audience......the two people who actually read this drivel, more time to fully digest them (Wow, two jokes mocking my low number of readers in the same post, I must be getting old!) . I know, I know, blogs are supposed to be personal and are written for a person's own satisfaction and all that other stuff, but I can't help it, I care too much about you guys (feel free to drop a letter of thanks anytime).

3) These past few weeks, I've been ignoring my effing studies like a step-child and really do need to get back to them if I want to pass them interviews, whenever is it that the firm folks actually do get around to calling. So, to make sure that happens, my brain and my conscience got together and devised this complex analogy to get me back on track : Studies First - Blogging Second. Rumour has it that before his death, this was what Einstein was working on.

And anyways, it's not like this blog is setting the world on fire or anything. Right?

Anyways, let's get this bad boy on the road, BUT WAIT!!

Since, this is my first review, I'll tell you how things are going to work. Most of the time, I'm, going to do reviews with spoilers and so as a protection from unintentionally spoiling someone's reading/viewing/whatnot experiences, I'll be posting spoiler tags before and after discussing the main plot of the book/movie/story/whatever. Also, the review will be divided into several distinct sections, a background one, one that gives the review, one that gives an overall analysis, and finally one that gives a final score, which will always be given out of 5 stars, to make me look like one of them big shot critics. Lastly, there's going to be one section that gives my closing thoughts. Also, at the end of the review, I might give you the link where to find the stuff I just reviewed. But only if you promise to be nice....... and give me your lunch money....... and not stuff my head into the lockers................... and not call me with any of those horrible nicknames.

*ahem*

And exactly what makes me qualified to be a reviewer? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. You don't get a degree to be a douche.

So, if you want to read this story before reading the review, so that your reading pleasure is not spoiled, I suggest you scroll down and check that link out. And don't worry, you can browse the story on the link itself, no need to download.

Now, it should be kept in mind that I suffer from extreme short-term attention span disorder, so it is possible that I may not write any other reviews (or blog-posts for that matter) and move on to the next fun activity kids are into these days (I do hear that there's something called Facebook these days and the whole social networking and stuff, hmmmph, stupid kids!)

And now, that the explosive exposition-laden excitement (boy, that's a lot of ex's, something which I can never ever say in real life) has been taken care of, we can finally start this bad-boy up.

Drum-roll please.....

BUT WAIT!!.....

heh, just messing with ya!


I'm starting it, I'm starting it, don't go, please!


Still here?


Boy, you sure a glutton for punishment.



Background:

Now this is one of those stories that really needs a background. During the mid-1950's, EC comics (publishers of this little gem) were ruling the comics business. They were putting out best-selling horror anthology titles left, right and centre (some of them are well-known even to this day, Tales From The Crypt instantly comes to mind.) Super-Hero comics were in a BIG slump thanks to EC. The real reason for the success of EC was that their tales were self-contained and required no long knowledge of character continuities and the stories themselves almost always ended with a twist ending to further hook the readers.


But beginning from the mid-1940's, the comics industry had started facing a backlash from child psychologists and parents alike that comics were ruining the minds of children. To protect the industry, The Comics Code was introduced jointly by all major publishers of the time, to make the parents feel safe that what their children were reading was not causing any juvenile delinquency as was claimed by comic detractors. This backfired on EC when the code put out such edicts that were custom-made to hurt EC sales and put them out of business (Such as, no comic can have "horror" or "terror" in its title, when EC's two biggest selling comics had just that in their titles).


This story was published in the first issue of Impact comics, a comic that lived on to have 5 whole issues and was canceled when EC finally realized that no matter what they did, they would still be on the wrong side of The Comics Code. Thus, EC canceled all their horror and war titles and kept only a single comic, MAD. Which was later turned from a comic to a magazine to escape the clutches of the Code. MAD, a satirical magazine, which has survived to this day, has kept EC in the business and has become one of the most inspiring success stories in American publishing history.

If this minstrel show is a success, I'd like to see what a miserable failure is........

Probably this

AAAHM just messing with ya, MAD! You're still my favourite magazine. After all the fun you've poked at all of us, I should at least pay some of it back. Anyways, I hope all of you were awake through the history lesson (I certainly wasn't), because it was hard as hell trying to look up the data and even harder to write it in a somewhat non-boring way.


Anyhoo, the thing Master Race shows us is how far EC was able to push the envelope during their run publishing comics. The stuff this story deals with was not fit to be discussed in public for a long time, yet EC did it. The Holocaust is still not something that people are comfortable discussing. This story brought to notice of the American pop culture, the crimes that were done to the Jewish people during the Nazi regime. Not surprisingly, all of the creative staff involved were Jewish. Master Race was written in 1955 by Al Feldstein and pencilled by Bernard Krigstein, according to the introduction to my copy of the story.



The Review:


Now, since the story is only 8 pages long, I figured I'd do the review page by page.

Page One: We open with a man descending down the stairs of a subway station, the voice of the narrator (in second person narration) calls him Carl Reissman and tries to remind him of his past. Carl buys the ticket as the narration tells him about his escape from his past that is somehow connected to a concentration camp and that no matter how much he tries, he cannot move on from the past. He waits for the train and we see the train slowly stopping when it arrives. The visual of a moving train is pretty good here.

Page Two: When he tries to get on the train, Carl is startled by seeing someone get off. Narrator (we'll call him Nari from now on) voice reminds him that his nerves have been shot ever since he came back. He starts reading his paper as the train starts moving forward. Carl is shown as looking around the passengers and being afraid of something. The train stops again and Carl senses someone getting on. The new passenger looks weird and unsettling. The final panel shows Carl making a panicking sound when he sees who just got on.

Page Three: Carl thinks to himself that it can't be "Him", as Nari reminds him that he knew this person ten years ago. A panel is shown of the moving train and the story flips to a flashback. Hitler is shown (only his back) giving a hate speech to crowds in front of him. The narrator caption reminds Carl that he was a part of this crowd and he and most others found Hitler's speech to be disgusting and nauseating. The final panel sees Hitler giving an order to his armies to "Let it begin". Hitler's face is shown in this panel and if the artist wanted to convey Hitler as being a frightening figure here, mission accomplished.

Page Four: This page basically shows the tortures and the horrors that Nazi Germany brought. There's panels showing people burning books, people stealing from shops, people invading homes. And this really is the stuff considered inappropriate (for that time period) that I spoke of. Then, a panel shows people with almost dead faces standing behind barbed wire fences as the voice tells Carl that this was his first exposition to a concentration camp. This panel is pretty famous but we'll get to that later. Then in the final two panels, gas chambers and human ovens as shown as the voice tells Carl that this was what was happening to his fellow countrymen. The final panel is pretty graphic in the sense that it shows people on the other side of the concentration camp walls moving away from the ovens while covering their noses. This type of exposition is still not discussed comfortably, even these days. EC was really all the way with this.

Page Five: More horrors are shown as there are doctors experimenting on "Human Guinea Pigs", for the alleged advancement of medical science. A party is shown (this is Hitler's final appearance in the story), where the lamps are made of human skin. The real horror is that the lamps are shown in such a matter-of-fact way that they're just in the background, while the subject of the panel is Hitler himself. All this is being reminded to Carl by the voice. He remembers guards taking away EOS's and burying them alive, laughing as they do it.

Page Six: More destruction is shown and the voice reminds Carl of the look that the man who is sitting across from Carl had when they all found out that help was on the way, the Russians had arrived. The voice tells Carl to remember that the last thing that the man sitting across Carl said was that he'll "get" him one day. The voice tells Carl how he escaped from the camp and lost himself in the streams of refugees and made his way to America. Now, suddenly the man takes a glance at Carl as Carl makes a gasping sound. The man calls Carl by his last name and stands up.

Page Seven: The train stops and Carl, afraid of the man, gets off and starts running on the platform. The man says that he swore that he'd get Reissman. Nari tells Carl to run like he ran from Belsen. Carl tells the man to have mercy. The narrator says that the man chasing Carl is the personification of millions who couldn't do what Carl had done, how they were jailed and killed in gas chambers and burned alive in ovens, while Carl wasn't. The voice says that this man chasing Reissman was a survivor of Belsen camp, a camp that Carl Reissman ran! Yes, in a huge plot twist, it is revealed that Carl had been the bad guy all along. The final panel really hits this point home as the camera pan shows Carl from bottom up, which is always a sign of distance and separation between the subject and the reader.

Page Eight: Carl is shown running and while running, he suddenly slips (in a pretty unbelievable way) and falls on the tracks and immediately run over by an incoming train. The train stops. People get off. They ask the man about what happened. He lies and tells them that Carl started to run for no reason and slipped and got killed. When asked if he knew Carl, the man lies that he had never seen Carl before in his life.

End Of Spoilers !!!



Overall analysis:

Wow, the plot twist absolutely blew me away, loved it. No matter how much people say that it was telegraphed early on and that they saw it coming a mile away, I love it all the same.


The ending, not so much. I just wish they could have translated the twist into a more meaningful death for the guy. Like I said in the above section, I have some reservations with how the story ended. Now, I know that the it needed to end with a death but I think it should have ended with a somewhat plausible way for the death to happen. Now, it really isn't possible to watch where you run when someone who's threatening your life is chasing you (trust me, I know from experience, librarians are really volatile around closing time.) but still it does seem pretty far fetched to me that a person falls that way. I'm willing to let this slide because the Golden Age comics were full of coincidences like this, and this type of occurrences were the staple of the comics from that era. Also, the motion of the guy on the last page when he was trying to hang on was pretty much spot-on.

Also, it really is poetic justice for someone like a former Nazi with many heinous crimes to his claim to die without any sort of retribution from people he ran afoul with. Sort of like the pure remain the pure and the bad guy has one more death to his credit. Other than that, after the powerful and unnerving narrative throughout the story, the dialogue at the last page seemed really tame. Although, the last line of the story truly rocked!

But that's just two minor squabbles other than which I loved this story to no end.

I particularly enjoyed Hitler's appearance in this story, even though he was in the story for a mere three panels, had no dialogue and only had his face shown in a single panel, he looked as menacing and sinister as anyone would him him to be portrayed as. Hitler has been made appearances in comics before, most commonly in Captain America in the 1940's, but his showing right here tops all of them put together, in my opinion.

The famous panel from the fourth page that I mentioned is actually inspired from Margaret Bourke-White's Life magazine photograph which was shot when a concentration camp was evacuated. the panel is almost drawn the same way as the picture was taken, with cold life-less eyes staring from across the barbed wire.

I spoke of how motion of the train was shown in the story. It really is hell trying to portray motion in comics and this story does it brilliantly, introducing a new way to show movement of a passing train by drawing the same objects repeatedly to give the illusion of motion. I know it sounds confusing, but makes sense when you see it. This way has been in use since.

Finally, the moral of the story, I believe, is also top notch, that sometimes the people that blend in the crowd, the everyday-joes are not as squeaky clean as some might believe, and just because someone is standing out of the pack does not make him out to be the bad guy, or something like that (It's been a long night, people!). And the dichotomy of the protagonist and the antagonist is also one to behold (actually, it's not, I just wanted to show that I knew those three words).

Final Score:








Mystery and Intrigue, a tight narrative, a good moral, historical context and a nifty twist ending thrown in the mix, all within a span of just 8 pages makes this one an absolute no-brainer. Full five stars and deserves every bit of it. Highly recommended!

Okay, I know I promised a link for the story but it seems that now that link has been taken off. Really sorry! But on the flip side, I didn't get any of your lunch money either, so there.

Joking, here it is :

http://www.scribd.com/doc/11609889/Bernie-Krigstein-Master-Race-Impact

I know it's been a lousy review, so if it's any consolation, here's the link to an excellent essay written on Master Race by Martin Jukovsky:

http://www.jukovsky.com/masterrace.html

Okay Martin, I plugged your site, I expect a cheque in the mail by Friday.

Final Thoughts :

Look both ways at least three times before crossing the road, you never can be too careful.





I can see that I'm going off the deep end now, so let's keep it till here.

That's it for the review, folks!

See ya next time.


I can wish, can't I?


My name is Umar Ahmed and this has been the unhinged review of Master Race.


Umar Ahmed often uses humour when put in uncomfortable situations like discussing the holocaust. It never works though, the last time a girl asked him the way to the principal's office, he responded with, "That's what she said.". He loves the fact that he can chalk up any factual inaccuracies contained in the above post to his mind being unhinged. He also feels that it's okay to say "millions upon millions of my readers" because a million upon a million equals to one.

Don't Try This At Home

Try it in a park.

Or in a club.

Or on a beach.

Or in a supermarket. (ain't that right, Booker?)

Because apparently it's okay to do it anywhere other than home.

Yes everybody, welcome to the lamest slogan this side of " Brrrrrrrrrrr."

Seriously, did no one in their entire company see how lousy the tag-line is to their "protect yourself" campaign?

Anyways, it's wrestling I'm talking about today, and yes, once again it's something about me so my promise to pour hatred on random nonsense remains unfulfilled. But don't worry, I think all of this "talking about me" business will lead up to something. Of course, right now I can't fathom what it would be but I can assure you, it would be pretty...................................
.
.
.
ugly.

Yes, I'm not proud of that one either.

In fact, I think this is going to be the long-term storyline going forward, when exactly will I start talking about things other than myself.

And if everybody behaves, I might even pull a TNA and forget about it completely, midway through.

But, now that the regularly scheduled "lame joke of the week" is out of the way, let me say that in addition to other things I've been thinking of reviewing wrestling shows as well.....


*ducks*




I know, I know, I've already promised to review other stuff and so far have done absolutely zilch but I'm just saying this to let everybody know in advance. Just in case.

Now, I know most people aren't interested in wrestling so I was thinking of dividing this into parts to make it easy to understand, from my first exposure to wrestling to what I hate about it, from what I like or would like in wrestling to reflecting upon the recent happenings. But I'm lazy, and a jerk, so I won't.

The bad jokes, however have been adjusted so that they are completely random so that you're NEVER able to escape them, HA!

Anyways, I remember watching my first wrestling show in maybe 2000 or so and walking away within 30 minutes because the opening segment just wouldn't end. It just kept dragging on, it started with one guy talking in the ring and then more guys entered the ring to talk some more and the number of guys in the ring just kept increasing and increasing. I may be exaggerating about the number of men and the time here but the worst part was that I had no idea what any of the guys were saying and that made it infinitely worse. I thought that they'd never get to any matches. Although, now I know, it was WCW Nitro that I'd seen that day and they were in their final months before being bought out by the WWE at the time and more often than not tended to do stupid crap like that.

Thank God, WWE never does any wacky shenanigans like that, eh?

*ahem*

Anyways, I came back later and actually enjoyed the in-ring work done, and became a wrestling fan. I watched on and off for a couple of years, most of the story-lines were pretty dumb, as the standard at the time for WCW at that time. But I had become a fan from that very first show, that lousy episode of Nitro.

Wrestling forms a pretty decent part of my daily activities, be it watching or actually doing with brothers and making my parents go crazy. This along with reading comics makes me the loser geek that I am. Wrestling combines my love for theatrics, acrobatics and combat sports.

I've liked combat sports ever since I was little. I attribute it to being bullied by the kids at school and then entertaining juvenile fantasies of getting back at them by giving them the ol' one-two. But even when I was little, I found boxing pretty boring. The boxers, no matter whom, were both always pretty much the same. Why should I like one more than the other? There was no emotional involvement, no personality. That's why professional wrestling instantly grabbed me (and tried to give me a German suplex, but don't worry, I countered), because the wrestlers were the characters, people identified with the characters and each week you could see those characters being developed, in turn creating emotional involvement for the audience. I mean seriously, what's entertaining about two guys just punching each other. At least take it to the ground dammit! That's why I love me some MMA. They actually make the effort to get their fighters to emotionally connect with the audience in order for the audience to shell-out their hard-earned cash.

Getting back to topic, I started watching wrestling regularly in 2002 almost coinciding with that year's Wrestlemania. The thing that sticks out most to me about that time period was that almost all of the WWE's top movers and shakers were on their way out. The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin and Hulk Hogan, all left within the same year and were never regular performers again (now granted, Hogan was just in there for like a cup of tea but still.) It wasn't all bad, as many talented people debuted and some returned. John Cena, Randy Orton and Batista all made their debuts in 2002 and even though it would be many years till they became the stars that they are today, their debuts along with the return of a certain Heart Break Kid and the Brand Extension makes 2002 significant. Not to mention of course, TNA also formed in that same year. Suffice to say, it was a pretty eventful year. That year was a highlight for my wrestling watching, and they're yet to bypass it in terms of good story-lines and stellar in-ring action. Of course, the whole Katie Vick fiasco also happened that vary same year but still. These days I watch wrestling just out of habit. The old feeling is gone. Some of it has to do with the PG rating, some with the dull story-lines and the more-often-than-not-bland in-ring work.


Anyways, enough Mr-reminiscing-guy, moving on to the meat and potatoes of this blog, the part where I pour my venom on stuff, as it's now time for the hate portion of the evening:

One of my biggest peeves regarding wrestling is when people say that it's fake. Well, duh! WE GET IT, EVERYBODY KNOWS IT'S FAKE. It's watched because it's entertainment, nobody watches because they think it's real (of course a point can be made as to what kind of a person would be entertained by half-naked men pretending to beat each other up, all the while being involved in surreal story-lines, but I digress). And also, what's wrong with it being fake? Almost everything on television these days is fake (except reality shows of course, in which case, it's EXTRA fake). Nobody thinks Kiefer Sutherland is actually Jack Bauer. Everybody knows the island on LOST does not exist and that House is not a real person (and for good reason, we all know that there's only room for one fast-talking manipulative douchebag at a time in this world and right now that spot belongs to Kevin Trudeau. That's right.).

Anyways, the point is that most of the stuff on TV is fake, so the big fuss because of the prescripted nature of wrestling is beyond me. Also, the fact is that any stunts performed by wrestlers (jumping off of heights and stuff) are performed by the wrestlers themselves while any stunts performed by the characters on TV are more than likely to be done by stunt-doubles. That gives wrestlers an edge in my book(which hits bookstores soon............................. and discount bins soon-after).

And don't get me started on the nonsense that wrestlers aren't real athletes.

Too late.

I've started now.

Professional wrestlers, whether performing for the big two companies or not, live the most hectic lifestyle there is in all forms of physical activities and sports, be it the traveling or the training or the actual performing. The physical punishment wrestlers take in, is just leaps and bounds ahead of any other sport or activity involving physical wear and tear. And anybody who disagrees with that statement might want to check in with the current UFC heavyweight champion (see Lesnar, Brock). That's right, a former professional wrestler is on the top of the mountain in a real legitimate sport i.e. MMA.

Of course, my ultimate peeve regarding wrestling has to be wrestling videos on video-hosting sites that show wrestling at its awkwardest, like maybe a guy who called a move very loud (see Shamrock, Ken) or a spot that came off very telegraphed looking, where the uploader "reveals" how fake wrestling is like the biggest news of the world. Great use of your time guys and a great discovery! Maybe next time you could waste your time searching for the Lochness monster or looking for Kennedy's assassins.


Or doing CA.


Or writing a blog.


Or watching Twilight.


I think it's for people like that, this picture surfaced:



Speaking of CM Punk, he certainly has my vote for the best gimmick of the century, and maybe the second best gimmick ever after Stone Cold's gimmick of a beer-drinking foul-mouth working class anti-hero. People often say how backwards this gimmick is, as the character played by CM Punk should be face (good guy) and not a heel (bad guy). Point taken, but Punk's gimmick (that of a Straight Edge elitist) is just a bit high-concept for the average wrestling viewer who's been given years of clearly defined black and white characters. It shows a prominent ill of today's society, that excessive political correctness is indeed a bad thing, and that nothing should take away an individual's freedom of choice. And that's something that Punk's character tries to do. Besides, Punk works way better as a heel. His heel heat is the best I've ever seen for someone that wasn't even in the company 4 years ago.

That's just how my taste for gimmicks goes. It should, no doubt, be larger than life, but still somewhat realistic and preferably an extension to the performer's real life personality. That's why I've never been a big fan of Randy Orton's viper gimmick. Not very realistic. I liked him as the Legend Killer more, but everybody has got to evolve (heh!) and so did Orton. But still, his performance of that character is spot-on. That, and the RKO is my favorite finishing move of all time. Even more so than the stunner or the ankle lock.

Moving on to my liking of wrestling styles, I've always been a fan of mat-based wrestling more as compared to the high octane spotfests. TLC matches and garbage brawls will always have a special place in my heart, no matter what, but there's just more to a wrestling match than cages, tables breaking, people hitting each other with chairs and jumping off ladders. Which brings me to the three S's that I want from my wrestling.

And no they're not "Spongebob", "Squarepants" and "Sellout", even though they're true.

I mean seriously, what does Spongebob have to do with yogurt?

The words are actually, "Story-telling", "Selling" and "Psychology" (a special shout-out to the fellow who gave us the JJJ blooper).

Was TLC II entertaining? I'll Bet my premium edition Bolmeteus Steel Dragon that it was, but was it logical? No, sadly it wasn't. People taking such serious bumps should not be able to get up as soon as the guys in the match did. That's the whole concept of "selling", to sell the belief that the injury sustained is real.

Also, a wrestling match should have a decent amount of story-telling in that it slowly builds to a fast and furious climax section.

And there should be psychology, or in other terms, common sense. I for the life of me never understand the logic when in a three way, two guys are fighting and the third one interferes. Wouldn't you rather want the other two to fight it out with each other so you can take advantage when they are tired?

Maybe I'm looking too deep into this. After all, it's just a bunch of guys pretending to beat each other up. Maybe I should just take it for what it is.

And of course, in today's world of 2 minute matches and constant PPV plugs, it's impossible to have all this stuff in every match so I'm willing to let that point slide.

And it's just impossible to not enjoy a TLC match, they're just harmless fun.


Unless you're one of the participants.


Before I go, I want to talk about some of the recent happenings in the world of professional wrestling, or more specifically, the Nexus storyline.

The Nexus angle in my opinion has cooled off after the initial surprise attacking of John Cena. It still has legs, but right now, after the insane firing of Bryan Danielson and the Nexus group not working any actual damn matches, the whole storyline has come to the "good stuff" category rather than the "absolute must watch" that people were hoping for after the initial hit on Cena. With that being said, I absolutely loved their attack on Ricky Steamboat as it was as perfect as can be, their entire heel act was superb and the look on Justin Gabriel before hitting the 450 splash was just icing on the cake.

Yes, I'm still very upset about the Bryan Danielson firing and the WWE's excuse for it is pretty maddening as well. I read this on a site:

"Several sources are reporting that Daniel Bryan was released by WWE for going too far beyond the WWE PG standard during the first NXT assault on Monday's Raw. The main issue was his choking of Justin Roberts with Justin's own tie, which goes against a rule put in place after the Benoit tragedy: you cannot use ropes or other objects to choke your opponents."

Other than that, rumours circulating around the web are that a sponsor may or may not have seen the attack on RAW and deemed it too graphic for TV-PG standards and asked Vince McMahon to release Danielson. And McMahon, scared of losing the sponsor, may or may not have complied with their demands.

*Ah-Choo*

*Ah-Choo*

Excuse me!

I'm sorry, it's jut that I'm allergic to BS.

I mean, come on!

You mean to tell me that this is their entire reasoning for the removal of the best worker and possibly the biggest star in Nexus. Where is Vince McMahon, evil and ruthless promoter who never gives in to anybody's demands?

Probably the same place where Fox News' neutrality is.

Heh!

Trick joke! Fox was never neutral to begin with.

Fair and Balanced............................not!

Seriously though, Chris Benoit was the last thing on my mind while watching the first Nexus attack. That, and the fact that the camera just happened to be right there simply points out that it was a planned spot, meaning that Danielson got fired doing something he was told to do.

And if choking with foreign objects is not allowed, what about Orton choking Cena with a stick last year?

Or Cena choking Orton with a pair of handcuffs in the very same match?

If you're going to be idiotic, WWE, at least be consistent.

Maybe it's because Cena and Orton are bigger stars.

Or that there were a lot more eyeballs watching on Raw than at Breaking Point, but it still is petty.

Even pettier than WWE banning reverse knife edge chops because they make the audience go "WOOOO!" which reminds them of Ric Flair, which inadvertently promotes TNA because that's where Flair's working.

I'm sorry, but after hearing this, I just have to take a break from this blog for this news update.............




I mean, seriously WWE, you guys make me ashamed of being a wrestling fan with your continued nonsense.


Getting back to Danielson though, I think this is going to blow over once the 90 day time period is over and he'll be back with the company at some point. But this asinine firing does kill the momentum his character was gaining.

Still, I'm not worried.

If Chris Masters can make a return, so can Danielson.

I could be wrong.

But I feel that he'll be back.

Until then though, I'm with dragon.



So that's it then, I was initially thinking of putting in my favorite matches here as well, but this is very, very long as is, so maybe some other time.

Anyway, I'm going to go now and study for the test that I have tomorrow.....................


*Ah-Choo*


Damn!


Next Time : I put to rest a huge concern on the minds of readers of Unhinged everywhere, finally start reviewing stuff (about damn time!) and FINALLY STOP USING these awful "Next Time" plugs. All this and a truck load of nonsense along with the usual sprinkles of tasteless humor, next time.



I'm Umar Ahmed.


P.S. I'm a lot tougher now bullies, you just wait. If we ever cross paths again, you're dead men.......

.

.

.

.

.... dead women actually.



Umar Ahmed is a man who is rarely serious, if ever. The only things that change his non-serious disposition are, people making fun of his weight, wrestling, not getting enough food and losing his sharpener. He often gets off topic while talking and starts rambling nonsensically, as crazy people are wont to do. He's currently working on his autobiography, "Umar Ahmed - Unhinged Till I Die". Apparently, he chose that title because "Big Fat Loser" was already taken.

Things I Wanted To Be/Could Have Been

Ever wondered what a crazy person might want to do with his life?

Ever wanted to take a sneak peek into the vile trash-sty that is the unhinged mind to see its thoughts regarding it's career?

Exactly what might he choose as a profession?

Can an elephant fly?

Will I ever label my posts with something other than words starting with "R"?

Am I an idiot?

If you answered "no" to all questions, save maybe the last, then you're probably sane.

But then again, you're reading this, so I'm not sure.

Eh, it doesn't matter, I'm still going to tell you what my previous life ambitions were. I say previous because as of right now I'm stuck in a full-time nightmare, straight out of Ground-hog Day, with no hopes of getting out. But we'll get to that later.

And no, it's not New Moon playing on an endless loop.

It's close, but it's not that.

You'll probably notice but most of the professions given aren't exactly "orthodox". Well, to that I give the extremely "witty" response of, "Well, I'm not orthodox either."

But you'll see that for yourself shortly.

Now, I know when I promised to talk about an actual topic (which this is, so I didn't lie at least), this isn't what most people had in mind. But the thing is, I'm just so creatively bankrupt that I just can't think of anything else to talk about other than myself.

Which means that I'm either the most interesting personality in the world.

Or an extremely self-centered and selfish jerk.

Personally, I'm pulling for the latter.

But don't worry, I will talk about other stuff sometime, maybe review things, stuff like movies, books, music or maybe some TV.

If I'm sober enough, that is.

Should be one of these days.

Weeks.

Months maybe.

I can bet one year should definitely be enough.

Which reminds me, people seem to have not liked my blatantly spewing my Straight Edge propaganda (Because everyone knows, not smoking, not drinking and not doing drugs is actually a bad thing), so there's going to be at least two liquor references per blog post from now on.

I can see that if I don't start this soon I'm going to start ranting away on the benefits of Straight Edge.

On a side-note, I will delete any comments that don't sing praises of what I write. This certainly seems to be the best way to handle criticism. Who needs "bettering yourself" when you can just delete comments. That's definitely the way to go. I heard that's how they won World War 2 as well.

Deleting comments:




Anyways, let's get this show on the road.

Here they are, in no particular order (except increasing order of drunkenness), the things that I wanted to be in life or that I could have been:

1) Scientist



This is the first thing in my life that I ever remember wanting to be. I was fairly young at the time. Maybe 4 or 5. 6 tops. I didn't even have an idea of what a scientist actually was. I seemed to have confused scientist with inventor back then. All that came to my mind when I thought of scientists was guys from NASA working on rockets and Edison. The first person I ever associated with being a scientist was Dr. Pat Pending from Hanna Barbara's Wacky Races (pictured above). Man, this guy was my favorite character on the series. I remember me and my cousins getting together and watching the show and getting all worked up over who was going to win. Good times!

I remember liking Dick Dastardly second best. Even back then I liked villains better. To me, they were and still are more interesting than plain ol' heroes.

Unless it's Rorschach.

Then it gets interesting.

2) Artist




No, I'm not the guy who made this, although, I certainly am better looking.

Oh yeah, comparing myself to a person who was known for his ugliness, that's the way to self-promote. *sigh*

See, once upon a time I had this crazy intention of wanting to draw stuff. I was about 9 or 10. Since this was the first sign I had shown of not being suffering from the Savant syndrome, my parents happily bought me art supplies. We used to get Kermit channel back then which had a program that taught young people how to draw. The guy used to take his time drawing, so I could easily follow him. What troubled me though, was when he started coloring the picture. I remember tearing many a drawings mid way when I screwed up the coloring process. I followed that show for about two years and the pictures I drew turned out pretty well for a 10 year old, I think.

But I also think that Stephen Colbert and Soupy Sales are the same person, so beware. I used to put those pictures up on my closet door. Then in a folder when I grew up and was too embarrassed with people seeing the pictures and giving me the 'how cute' smile. Then, I lost the folder in one of my many, many moves to other cities. I miss it to this day. *sob*

Good alibi, eh?

3) Comic strip writer



This actually puts two of my ambitions together, one of becoming a writer and one of being an artist.

This bug bit me shortly after I encountered my first comic strip( I'll be covering this in detail in my post about comics, if I ever do get around to writing that. Lousy studies! making me miss blogging).

It was Tarzan in one of the old editions of 'Jung'. I loved all three panels and got excited waiting for the next part of the story. Before realizing, of course, that we got 'Jung' only two days a week.

Not many people know this about me but I actually wrote and drew a comic strip in fourth grade. Since I wasn't exactly "creative" back then (not that I'm any better now), I used the only character I knew about, Tarzan. Since I was extremely lousy with the art (not that I'm any better now) when I'm not aping somebody, (like the guy from Kermit), I drew pathetic stick figures to show the action. And since I was extremely crappy with plot and stuff (you know the drill, still not any better), I used the basic "Tarzan's jungle gets invaded and he has to fight back and save it" storyline. I remember drawing one 3 panel strip per day and filling up my entire note book. Of course, there used to be a lot of fainting (I had to put in some cliffhangers) and fighting and not much in terms of plot movement and dialogue. I remember Tarzan using dynamite to blow up the enemy camp in the end. And by the end, I mean when there were just a few pages left in my notebook. How he got the dynamite, I don't recall. I had that notebook all the way up to 2002 when I lost it another one of my moves.

Curse my many moves!

Note: the picture above compares Spider-Man Masterworks Volume 2 to Spider-Man Omnibus volume 1.

Yes, I'm a comic book geek.

4) Investigator

I put the blame squarely on Ishtiaq Ahmed for this one. When I was about 8 or 9, I couldn't get enough of his books. Reading his books, I thought of myself as investigator extraordinaire. I even bought a magnifying glass that I carried with me. I still have that to this day. Boy, was I stupid.

Even back then though, his biggest creation, Inspector Jamshed seemed too over the top and larger than life for me to like. While, Shoki on the other hand was just my type of character. Vulnerable but still somewhat entertainingly brilliant. Of course, I hadn't seen the "good stuff" back then so I used to think Ahmed was the greatest writer in the world.

Now I see write (get it? eh, EH? Ugh, I'm getting old) through his style. I see his characters as the paper thin one dimensional cardboard cutouts that they were (Mehmood was an effing catchphrase for crying out loud!), I see his stories as the same old rehashed story-lines and plot devices, in use since the days of Ibn-e-Safi, that they were and I see the wacky banter between the characters that I used to get a kick out of in the past as the money-making instrument that it was.

*deep breath*

Okay, let's continue.

5) Lawyer


This is where the title of the post comes into play. Not every thing that I could have been was also something I wanted to be.

Case in point, I've never wanted to be a lawyer. My dad always thought I was a good talker and would make a good lawyer. Hence, he wanted me to be just that.

Many of my friends also called me a good talker, but since they also called me some other things, that makes their opinion, and my friendship with them, void. I've never wanted to be a lawyer in my life and being the (alleged) good talker that I am, I managed to "talk" my dad out of making me go that path before completing my matriculation. Good thing too, considering the current state of this once noble and honest profession that was a thing of integrity in the past.


Oh wait!

6) Secret Agent



Boy, it's downright embarrassing admitting this. Even though it's one of those juvenile fantasies we all have (don't lie) that don't even stay with you two months down the road. What's even more embarrassing is that it's not even the stupidest I-wanna-be on this list. I wanted to be a secret agent fairly early in my life, I think circa 1996 or something. All I remember is watching a Bond movie with Pearce Brosnan ( my favorite Bond, bar none) and being awestruck. It was my first Bond movie ever and I was ecstatic the whole time. I don't remember the name of the movie at this point(by which I mean six shots of Jack Daniels in), but I do remember that it had Bond driving a car from the back seat with a remote control. And being the lazy slob that I am, I've never bothered to look the name up. Back then, nothing thrilled me more than the prospect of me destroying the plot of the enemies, dodging them and then fleeing on a jet-pack. Of course, back then, the enemy I visualized looked an awful lot like my old Social Studies teacher. Oh well!

Okay, enough embarrassment,

NEXT!


7) Writer

This was probably my ambition for the shortest time. I was reading a magazine once and decided that I could be one of them writer nitwits and could get my stuff published. I distinctly remember buying a note book for that purpose, wasting almost three hours waiting for an idea to hit me and then deciding it wasn't worth it and quitting.

Seriously, this is how long this ambition of mine lasted.

Short and painful.

Kinda like my transcript.

8) Professional Wrestler



Drum roll please, we now have a winner of the stupidest-thing-somebody-ever-wanted-to-be contest.

I first saw wrestling in 2000 or something and remember being blown away. Wrestling was and still is one of my guilty pleasures. Wrestling offers a variety of different tastes, from classic technical grappling encounters (more to my liking) to garbage brawling including cages, ladders, tables and chairs and if you're lucky, you might even experience a guy going bonkers and offing himself and his family.


Yep, I'm going to hell.


Anyways, my quest to become a wrestler started immediately after watching my first wrestling show. I was too young (read: too stupid) at that time to know about the predetermined nature of this pseudo-sport. Even though I didn't now the ins and outs of the business back then (I still don't but I like to pretend that I do), I knew that you needed a gimmick to get over with the audience. I thought of the most realistic character I could think of, and that was of a Muslim person who felt racially abused because of his ethnicity and religion.

I developed a ponch shortly thereafter and gave up on my dream.

Yes, that's all it takes for me to lose my focus.

Short attention span eh, what're ya going to do.

Years later, in 2004, they actually used this gimmick with a guy they named Muhammad Hassan. So, I wasn't completely off my rocker regarding the business (note the emphasis on completely).


9) CA



This is going to be the only exception to the title of the post. Doing Chartered Accountancy is not something I could have been (since I'm still doing it, and having a hard time doing it) and it's also not something I've ever wanted to be in life. I've always wanted to go for a vocation that required hard work, was well-respected and was something that paid pretty well too.

But after they turned me down when I auditioned for modeling, I decided to go for CA.

Heh! Joking.

Come on, I just like to have my little fun with CA.

It definitely has it's share of awesomeness (word on the street is that you can actually see its awesomeness if you have a microscope powerful enough!)

What's funny is that CA combines some of the things in my life that I could have been. It puts together my passion of fleeing countries from when I wanted to be a secret agent (if the word of one of my teachers is to be taken) along with my becoming something to do with the Law (CA has plenty of law in it, more than I can bear, actually) and adds it to being an investigator(which, let's face it, is essentially what an auditor is............... I just spit in the face of the definition of an auditor, didn't I?).

Just goes to show that sometimes in life, things don't exactly turn out the way you'd want them to and that you get the things that you least expect to get.

Kinda like my being a part of this profession when this was something I least expected.

Makes you wonder, no?

I just might turn into a Twilight fan after all.

YEAH, RIGHT!

I'm not that unhinged.

Next Time: I actually write about something other than myself. If I feel like it.

Till then,

I'm Umar Ahmed.


Umar Ahmed is a multi-layered person. Many believe that beneath his many dozen layers of immaturity and obnoxiousness, he has some sensibility and sophistication................. beneath which is another few dozen layers of nonsense and imbecility. He also claims to have coined the"I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patience." joke.

My Name Is

Starting this right now, I have the honest-to-earth intention of giving a brief introduction to myself, you know, stuff I like, stuff that makes me tick, that kinda post, so that people know a bit about me when I finally start writing about things, and aren't left with the feeling of "Huh.....wait....wha' the hell?".

Now granted, mostly you are going to be left with that feeling but it's going to be because of the bad jokes, not because you don't know me.

Point is, now that I'm here, I have a feeling the intro thing might not get to happen.

But that's just what I think.

I could be wrong.

Like the time I was when I thought investing in the Bey blade hoopla was a good idea.

So, intro huh?

Let me see.

What can I put in an intro and not make it suck?

I can't think of anything.

Which reminds me of my dislike of text speakers (actually, it doesn't, but I have to segue someway, don't I?). Now, let me explain. I don't really hate people who use text-speak. In fact, what I can really empathize with, is that to save money, people might shortchange some words, but it really gets distracting when most of the writing fails to make sense.

Like whomever came up with the bright idea of typing "this" as "dz" ought to be imprisoned for life, with the caption in the news stating, "Nw, dz iz kewl, LOL!" From what I've been told this kind of typing style makes you hip and cool and "down with it". Really? REALLY? That's all it takes to make an impression these days? What kind of a world are we living in, really?

But then again, this is the same world in which Bryan Danielson was fired by his company for doing what he was told to do, so I take my words back. It might be okay to text speak.

Which brings me to my next point, and this is an even more annoying one, what really is the use of modifying words when the same number of characters (or in some cases, even more) are used? Words like "Kewl" and "itx" irritate me to no extent and have marginally contributed to me having an honor code to beat up text speakers everywhere. But that's just how I feel from where I'm sitting.

In a jail cell.

Typing this on a stolen laptop.

Waiting to be bailed out.

Some police officers just have no respect for an honor code.

Help me!

Please.

Ahem!

My theory regarding text-speakers might be stupid, but certainly not stupider than guys going to Twilight screenings so that they can see girls, which for the record, has happened in the past.

In all fairness though, this last one pokes fun at Twilight fans rather than Twilight itself.

Speaking of which, it seems that my mocking Twilight in the debut post has gotten me some heat. I actually was told by an irritating deputy from the International Organization of Twilight (we're going to call 'im IDIOT from now on, get it?) to cut these jokes or pay the price.

Eh!

I think I have some change on me somewhere.

I know, I know.

I can almost hear the voices right now, (and for a change, they're not the non-existent ones that I usually hear.)

"IDIOT?? that's all you got, that's the lousiest name for a fake corporation ever. You're so handsome!"

Okay, maybe not that last part.

But still. You have a point. IDIOT is pretty bad.

But that's because you don't know my actual pitches.

I was actually going to go with even worse stuff,

like the Attendant from the Lovers Of Twilight Association (LOTAA)

Or the trainer from the Twilight Welfare Institution (TWIT)

So, apparently, you got off better.

Or not.

Clearly, I'm spending too much time making this crap up.


Now, I'm not a movie buff, I don't follow movies that much, and in most cases I don't have a problem with anything that the world likes. But I do have a problem with fans latching onto anything that makes money and has good looking actors and calling it the greatest ever. But that's just my opinion, no? Maybe following every other blockbuster is the way to go. Maybe those critics that have been in the movie industry for decades are dead wrong in their assessment.

Sorry Ebert!

Maybe those that are impressed by great special effects or the awesome fight sequences are right.

Maybe.

See, I have a formula regarding movies (or any other work of art for that matter) when I do watch them. It's just that there's so many great ones in this world, why waste your time with the ones that are not so good. Or if you do, why not do it when you've got the better movies out of the way.

But that's just me.

I could be wrong.

Same formula goes for my taste in music. Go for the good things first, which for some reason almost always turn out out be from before the year 2000.

I'm mostly a rock sorta person and am more interested in songs from the days past than any other.

Give me some Beatles, some Zepplin, some Stones, any day of the week. Miley Cyrus, Black-eyed Peas, Jay Sean, Ackcent and Kesha? Not so much. Now, I'm not saying they're bad(for the most part), it's just that I don't like that kind of stuff. But of course, there can really be no comparisons between the oldie goldies and today's stuff.

Spoiler Alert: the old stuff is better.


Okay now.


I think I've covered just about everything of note.


Oh right! I almost forgot to talk about books.


Let's do that one some other time because that might take a good long while to talk about.


But that's just me.


I could be wrong.


Next Time: I finally stop mocking random people and actually start writing about something.....

.

.

.

.

........ and mocking specific people.


Till then,


I remain Umar Ahmed.


But that's just me.


I could be wrong.


Umar Ahmed is a man who likes to keep his head covered, although, that might be because of his increasingly evident white hair patch. He is a firm Straight Edger and believes that CM Punk can save this world, but since he also believes that the "R" in the ICAP's result text message means, " 'R'eally outstanding work, you can get a distinction next time, that's why I'm giving you one more opportunity to get the job done.", so take what he says with a few handfuls of salt. He also knew he couldn't write a serious introduction and boy, was he right.