Or in a club.
Or on a beach.
Or in a supermarket. (ain't that right, Booker?)
Because apparently it's okay to do it anywhere other than home.
Yes everybody, welcome to the lamest slogan this side of " Brrrrrrrrrrr."
Seriously, did no one in their entire company see how lousy the tag-line is to their "protect yourself" campaign?
Anyways, it's wrestling I'm talking about today, and yes, once again it's something about me so my promise to pour hatred on random nonsense remains unfulfilled. But don't worry, I think all of this "talking about me" business will lead up to something. Of course, right now I can't fathom what it would be but I can assure you, it would be pretty...................................
.
.
.
ugly.
Yes, I'm not proud of that one either.
In fact, I think this is going to be the long-term storyline going forward, when exactly will I start talking about things other than myself.
And if everybody behaves, I might even pull a TNA and forget about it completely, midway through.
But, now that the regularly scheduled "lame joke of the week" is out of the way, let me say that in addition to other things I've been thinking of reviewing wrestling shows as well.....
*ducks*
I know, I know, I've already promised to review other stuff and so far have done absolutely zilch but I'm just saying this to let everybody know in advance. Just in case.
Now, I know most people aren't interested in wrestling so I was thinking of dividing this into parts to make it easy to understand, from my first exposure to wrestling to what I hate about it, from what I like or would like in wrestling to reflecting upon the recent happenings. But I'm lazy, and a jerk, so I won't.
The bad jokes, however have been adjusted so that they are completely random so that you're NEVER able to escape them, HA!
Anyways, I remember watching my first wrestling show in maybe 2000 or so and walking away within 30 minutes because the opening segment just wouldn't end. It just kept dragging on, it started with one guy talking in the ring and then more guys entered the ring to talk some more and the number of guys in the ring just kept increasing and increasing. I may be exaggerating about the number of men and the time here but the worst part was that I had no idea what any of the guys were saying and that made it infinitely worse. I thought that they'd never get to any matches. Although, now I know, it was WCW Nitro that I'd seen that day and they were in their final months before being bought out by the WWE at the time and more often than not tended to do stupid crap like that.
Thank God, WWE never does any wacky shenanigans like that, eh?
*ahem*
Anyways, I came back later and actually enjoyed the in-ring work done, and became a wrestling fan. I watched on and off for a couple of years, most of the story-lines were pretty dumb, as the standard at the time for WCW at that time. But I had become a fan from that very first show, that lousy episode of Nitro.
Wrestling forms a pretty decent part of my daily activities, be it watching or actually doing with brothers and making my parents go crazy. This along with reading comics makes me the loser geek that I am. Wrestling combines my love for theatrics, acrobatics and combat sports.
I've liked combat sports ever since I was little. I attribute it to being bullied by the kids at school and then entertaining juvenile fantasies of getting back at them by giving them the ol' one-two. But even when I was little, I found boxing pretty boring. The boxers, no matter whom, were both always pretty much the same. Why should I like one more than the other? There was no emotional involvement, no personality. That's why professional wrestling instantly grabbed me (and tried to give me a German suplex, but don't worry, I countered), because the wrestlers were the characters, people identified with the characters and each week you could see those characters being developed, in turn creating emotional involvement for the audience. I mean seriously, what's entertaining about two guys just punching each other. At least take it to the ground dammit! That's why I love me some MMA. They actually make the effort to get their fighters to emotionally connect with the audience in order for the audience to shell-out their hard-earned cash.
Getting back to topic, I started watching wrestling regularly in 2002 almost coinciding with that year's Wrestlemania. The thing that sticks out most to me about that time period was that almost all of the WWE's top movers and shakers were on their way out. The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin and Hulk Hogan, all left within the same year and were never regular performers again (now granted, Hogan was just in there for like a cup of tea but still.) It wasn't all bad, as many talented people debuted and some returned. John Cena, Randy Orton and Batista all made their debuts in 2002 and even though it would be many years till they became the stars that they are today, their debuts along with the return of a certain Heart Break Kid and the Brand Extension makes 2002 significant. Not to mention of course, TNA also formed in that same year. Suffice to say, it was a pretty eventful year. That year was a highlight for my wrestling watching, and they're yet to bypass it in terms of good story-lines and stellar in-ring action. Of course, the whole Katie Vick fiasco also happened that vary same year but still. These days I watch wrestling just out of habit. The old feeling is gone. Some of it has to do with the PG rating, some with the dull story-lines and the more-often-than-not-bland in-ring work.
Anyways, enough Mr-reminiscing-guy, moving on to the meat and potatoes of this blog, the part where I pour my venom on stuff, as it's now time for the hate portion of the evening:
One of my biggest peeves regarding wrestling is when people say that it's fake. Well, duh! WE GET IT, EVERYBODY KNOWS IT'S FAKE. It's watched because it's entertainment, nobody watches because they think it's real (of course a point can be made as to what kind of a person would be entertained by half-naked men pretending to beat each other up, all the while being involved in surreal story-lines, but I digress). And also, what's wrong with it being fake? Almost everything on television these days is fake (except reality shows of course, in which case, it's EXTRA fake). Nobody thinks Kiefer Sutherland is actually Jack Bauer. Everybody knows the island on LOST does not exist and that House is not a real person (and for good reason, we all know that there's only room for one fast-talking manipulative douchebag at a time in this world and right now that spot belongs to Kevin Trudeau. That's right.).
Anyways, the point is that most of the stuff on TV is fake, so the big fuss because of the prescripted nature of wrestling is beyond me. Also, the fact is that any stunts performed by wrestlers (jumping off of heights and stuff) are performed by the wrestlers themselves while any stunts performed by the characters on TV are more than likely to be done by stunt-doubles. That gives wrestlers an edge in my book(which hits bookstores soon............................. and discount bins soon-after).
And don't get me started on the nonsense that wrestlers aren't real athletes.
Too late.
I've started now.
Professional wrestlers, whether performing for the big two companies or not, live the most hectic lifestyle there is in all forms of physical activities and sports, be it the traveling or the training or the actual performing. The physical punishment wrestlers take in, is just leaps and bounds ahead of any other sport or activity involving physical wear and tear. And anybody who disagrees with that statement might want to check in with the current UFC heavyweight champion (see Lesnar, Brock). That's right, a former professional wrestler is on the top of the mountain in a real legitimate sport i.e. MMA.
Of course, my ultimate peeve regarding wrestling has to be wrestling videos on video-hosting sites that show wrestling at its awkwardest, like maybe a guy who called a move very loud (see Shamrock, Ken) or a spot that came off very telegraphed looking, where the uploader "reveals" how fake wrestling is like the biggest news of the world. Great use of your time guys and a great discovery! Maybe next time you could waste your time searching for the Lochness monster or looking for Kennedy's assassins.
Or doing CA.
Or writing a blog.
Or watching Twilight.
I think it's for people like that, this picture surfaced:
Speaking of CM Punk, he certainly has my vote for the best gimmick of the century, and maybe the second best gimmick ever after Stone Cold's gimmick of a beer-drinking foul-mouth working class anti-hero. People often say how backwards this gimmick is, as the character played by CM Punk should be face (good guy) and not a heel (bad guy). Point taken, but Punk's gimmick (that of a Straight Edge elitist) is just a bit high-concept for the average wrestling viewer who's been given years of clearly defined black and white characters. It shows a prominent ill of today's society, that excessive political correctness is indeed a bad thing, and that nothing should take away an individual's freedom of choice. And that's something that Punk's character tries to do. Besides, Punk works way better as a heel. His heel heat is the best I've ever seen for someone that wasn't even in the company 4 years ago.
That's just how my taste for gimmicks goes. It should, no doubt, be larger than life, but still somewhat realistic and preferably an extension to the performer's real life personality. That's why I've never been a big fan of Randy Orton's viper gimmick. Not very realistic. I liked him as the Legend Killer more, but everybody has got to evolve (heh!) and so did Orton. But still, his performance of that character is spot-on. That, and the RKO is my favorite finishing move of all time. Even more so than the stunner or the ankle lock.
Moving on to my liking of wrestling styles, I've always been a fan of mat-based wrestling more as compared to the high octane spotfests. TLC matches and garbage brawls will always have a special place in my heart, no matter what, but there's just more to a wrestling match than cages, tables breaking, people hitting each other with chairs and jumping off ladders. Which brings me to the three S's that I want from my wrestling.
And no they're not "Spongebob", "Squarepants" and "Sellout", even though they're true.
I mean seriously, what does Spongebob have to do with yogurt?
The words are actually, "Story-telling", "Selling" and "Psychology" (a special shout-out to the fellow who gave us the JJJ blooper).
Was TLC II entertaining? I'll Bet my premium edition Bolmeteus Steel Dragon that it was, but was it logical? No, sadly it wasn't. People taking such serious bumps should not be able to get up as soon as the guys in the match did. That's the whole concept of "selling", to sell the belief that the injury sustained is real.
Also, a wrestling match should have a decent amount of story-telling in that it slowly builds to a fast and furious climax section.
And there should be psychology, or in other terms, common sense. I for the life of me never understand the logic when in a three way, two guys are fighting and the third one interferes. Wouldn't you rather want the other two to fight it out with each other so you can take advantage when they are tired?
Maybe I'm looking too deep into this. After all, it's just a bunch of guys pretending to beat each other up. Maybe I should just take it for what it is.
And of course, in today's world of 2 minute matches and constant PPV plugs, it's impossible to have all this stuff in every match so I'm willing to let that point slide.
And it's just impossible to not enjoy a TLC match, they're just harmless fun.
Unless you're one of the participants.
Before I go, I want to talk about some of the recent happenings in the world of professional wrestling, or more specifically, the Nexus storyline.
The Nexus angle in my opinion has cooled off after the initial surprise attacking of John Cena. It still has legs, but right now, after the insane firing of Bryan Danielson and the Nexus group not working any actual damn matches, the whole storyline has come to the "good stuff" category rather than the "absolute must watch" that people were hoping for after the initial hit on Cena. With that being said, I absolutely loved their attack on Ricky Steamboat as it was as perfect as can be, their entire heel act was superb and the look on Justin Gabriel before hitting the 450 splash was just icing on the cake.
Yes, I'm still very upset about the Bryan Danielson firing and the WWE's excuse for it is pretty maddening as well. I read this on a site:
"Several sources are reporting that Daniel Bryan was released by WWE for going too far beyond the WWE PG standard during the first NXT assault on Monday's Raw. The main issue was his choking of Justin Roberts with Justin's own tie, which goes against a rule put in place after the Benoit tragedy: you cannot use ropes or other objects to choke your opponents."
Other than that, rumours circulating around the web are that a sponsor may or may not have seen the attack on RAW and deemed it too graphic for TV-PG standards and asked Vince McMahon to release Danielson. And McMahon, scared of losing the sponsor, may or may not have complied with their demands.
*Ah-Choo*
*Ah-Choo*
Excuse me!
I'm sorry, it's jut that I'm allergic to BS.
I mean, come on!
You mean to tell me that this is their entire reasoning for the removal of the best worker and possibly the biggest star in Nexus. Where is Vince McMahon, evil and ruthless promoter who never gives in to anybody's demands?
Probably the same place where Fox News' neutrality is.
Heh!
Trick joke! Fox was never neutral to begin with.
Fair and Balanced............................not!
Seriously though, Chris Benoit was the last thing on my mind while watching the first Nexus attack. That, and the fact that the camera just happened to be right there simply points out that it was a planned spot, meaning that Danielson got fired doing something he was told to do.
And if choking with foreign objects is not allowed, what about Orton choking Cena with a stick last year?
Or Cena choking Orton with a pair of handcuffs in the very same match?
If you're going to be idiotic, WWE, at least be consistent.
Maybe it's because Cena and Orton are bigger stars.
Or that there were a lot more eyeballs watching on Raw than at Breaking Point, but it still is petty.
Even pettier than WWE banning reverse knife edge chops because they make the audience go "WOOOO!" which reminds them of Ric Flair, which inadvertently promotes TNA because that's where Flair's working.
I'm sorry, but after hearing this, I just have to take a break from this blog for this news update.............
I mean, seriously WWE, you guys make me ashamed of being a wrestling fan with your continued nonsense.
Getting back to Danielson though, I think this is going to blow over once the 90 day time period is over and he'll be back with the company at some point. But this asinine firing does kill the momentum his character was gaining.
Still, I'm not worried.
If Chris Masters can make a return, so can Danielson.
I could be wrong.
But I feel that he'll be back.
Until then though, I'm with dragon.
So that's it then, I was initially thinking of putting in my favorite matches here as well, but this is very, very long as is, so maybe some other time.
Anyway, I'm going to go now and study for the test that I have tomorrow.....................
*Ah-Choo*
Damn!
Next Time : I put to rest a huge concern on the minds of readers of Unhinged everywhere, finally start reviewing stuff (about damn time!) and FINALLY STOP USING these awful "Next Time" plugs. All this and a truck load of nonsense along with the usual sprinkles of tasteless humor, next time.
I'm Umar Ahmed.
P.S. I'm a lot tougher now bullies, you just wait. If we ever cross paths again, you're dead men.......
.
.
.
.
.... dead women actually.
Umar Ahmed is a man who is rarely serious, if ever. The only things that change his non-serious disposition are, people making fun of his weight, wrestling, not getting enough food and losing his sharpener. He often gets off topic while talking and starts rambling nonsensically, as crazy people are wont to do. He's currently working on his autobiography, "Umar Ahmed - Unhinged Till I Die". Apparently, he chose that title because "Big Fat Loser" was already taken.
