The Hunger Games Review

Note: This was thrown together at the last minute, so it doesn't have the usual "care" and "zing" that I put into each of these posts and hence may accidentally be of a higher quality than the low bar I've painstakingly set for increasingly crappy blog posts.

Bait and Switch! There's no review! El Oh El! Trollface! Other look-how-funny crap. Okay, I haven't even seen the movie. Just named it this because A) let's face it, these days it's a sure-fire clicks getter, and B) I wanted to have a name that wouldn't spoil the topic of my post before reading and couldn't think of anything else.

I think this says more about how absolutely over-hyped the movie is rather than me lying (I always use this tactic when I'm caught lying). I'm not saying it's a bad movie or anything because I don't really have an opinion on it yet, but I don't like the hard-sell for it. Just sayin'. Still, how is a movie named The Hunger Games and is not based on the life and times of Anna Hazare.

No, no, no, I'm here because of an important issue. Y'see I was all set to just share cat photos (because it's the internet, that's what we do) and call it a post but something happened earlier this week that changed my mind, something about which everyone felt the need to talk and I'm no exception.....

Not this. Although it could've been and would have been totally justified.

No, it's something of far more epic proportions. And since I'm the beacon of live-wire that stays on the cutting edge of all that's newsworthy (?) aka an attention-who*e, I need to be a part of it. Now, I'm not one to have my twitter id plugged more than it needs to be (it's on the top-right of the page, in case anyone's wondering) but those that do indeed follow me on twitter (here) know that I'm not a big fan of meme break-outs on Facebook every couple of days. Hated the LET'S LIKE A MILLION PAGES thing, loathed the "what they think I do/what I really do" dealio, and with all due respect to the subject matter, I'm glad that the Kony 2012 madness never reached our country, mainly because we have our hands full with evil people in positions of prominence as is, but whatever. I'm just not one to indulge in fads. That's not me. I would never do something like that.

Like I said, I would never stoop that low. Ever. It's not in my blood.

But that's memes on a global scale. I'm here because of something a lot closer to home, i.e. our ridiculous cricket celebrations on Facebook, specifically the ones after the Asia Cup final this past week. Now before the cricket enthusiasts who are more proud of their nationality during the cricket world cup than they are on August 14th start bashing me before I've even made my point (heh, I wish), allow me to make my point so that all the-cricket-enthusiasts-who-are-more-proud-of-their-nationality-during-the-cricket-world-cup-than-they-are-on-August-14th can bash me with the knowledge that I thoroughly insulted them and hereby deserve said bashing.

Now, it's no secret that I'm not a fan of cricket. Or any form of physical exercise for that matter, as my still-waiting-to-be-unpacked-ab-king-pro will testify. But one thing I am a fan of, is the stupidity of the masses when it comes to cricket.

"Yay! Our team won! I love them.......until the next time they lose. Then they're dead to me.......until the next time they win. Then, yay! Our team won! I love them......"

Let's face it, we're (who am I kidding, YOU'RE!) silly like that regarding cricket and when it comes to praising the team/tearing them a new one. Now my philosophy regarding cricket is simple and was eloquently summed up here:

Yes, now I post photos of my tweets. You wait, it WILL get worse. I promise.

If there's one thing our cricket fans have consistently proved, it's that we're (you're?) the most fickle ones of ANY fanbase in the world. But out of those hundreds of thousands, only some feel the need to take the liberty of indulging the patriotic spirit by way of sharing "funny" comics on Facebook and unnecessary bashing of other teams. So after the finals of the Asia Cup came and went this past Thursday, it was truly a sight to behold the next two days as my Facebook was filled with "humorous" comics with illogically placed word-balloons and photos with offensive captions that was somehow supposed to wake the patriot within me. It did awaken something in me, and it wasn't patriotic spirit. And if you thought I wouldn't post some of those pictures here, then you're probably new to these parts. Here's some choice examples from the very finest Facebook had to offer throughout the four-team tournament:

"Yes, u won hearts, Bangali Tigers. But do note that WE won cup and baazi. Totally unrelated, but still."

Two things: 1) *manai and 2) Like a boss?? WTF? Again?

No sir, nothing weird about this at all.

You make an excellent point, Afridi's nose!

The funniest thing to me is how we're so up in arms and quick to condemn the Indian media to an eternal damnation for their allegedly biased reporting on cricket when our folks do the EXACT SAME THING. And for anybody that wants to point out that there's a difference between the news media of a country of 1.2 billion people and some idiots on Facebook, I offer the extremely intellectual response of: it's my blog, I can be illogical and afraid of being murdered in my bed for daring to go against our Indian overlords, if I want to.

What's even more hysterical than our hypocrisy regarding the Indian media is the response of the very same people who patronisingly applauded the Bangladeshi team on their effort upon learning of said team's decision to appeal for a five-run penalty. It was a chance to finally prove that we're all not utter and total idiots and only fair-weather supporters of neutral teams by not doing anything stupid about it but no, instead we had to get this:

Now, now, don't let properly photoshopping the Bangladeshi flag on the photo get in the way of some simply "hilarious" racism.

Although in Express' defense, why should Facebookers have all the fun?

Granted, this is only a minuscule part of the grand cricketing experience but it's things like this and excessive competitiveness that turn me off of the over-all charm of the sport. The idiocy and insanity that sometimes cricket brings is why I like something else that's a lot more rationale-oriented, why I'm a fan of the most reasonable sport in the world, one that doesn't involve people getting emotionally hurt by others.....

.

.

.

Professional Wrestling.

Mostly because it involves people physically getting hurt by others.

But still, when you come to think of it....

...... are the two really all that different?

Until the time I think of an ending even more anti-climactic than this, I remain Umar Ahmed.

Umar Ahmed's sole criteria for a new phone is "It should play Angry Birds". He has also vowed to riot if the Undertaker's streak breaks this Sunday at Wrestlemania. His deepest, darkest secret concern is people discovering that he rips off his writing style (if you could call it that) from Stephen Colbert's monologues.

Of bosses and tagging assignments

So yeah, blog's pretty much dead as I don't think I'll ever get around to completing my post about my first day at the audit firm which I started nearly two years ago, even though I have most of the details in bullet points. Heck, even the this-blog-is-dead post I started has been pending for more than a year now.

The reason I'm breaking my silence after this long is something that happened yesterday. Someone asked me (because they thought I steal my Facebook statuses from somewhere) to write four lines, any four lines on any topic in the world. And somehow I couldn't. I couldn't even get started. I had absolutely no idea what to write. So to live down my newly acquired name of Umar "status stealer" Ahmed, I decided I'll write those lines down here at 'Unhinged, while upping the ante at the same time as I write not four, not six, but EIGHT lines. Huzzah!

But now that I'm here, I have the same problem, I have no idea what to write. The only thing that I feel is even remotely close to writable (spoiler alert: it's not) is the fact that Telenor still haven't lifted their stupid 100 tweets/day via SMS limit on Twitter, a limit which no other network has. So I did the only sensible thing I could, I threatened them that if they don't end this stupidity before the big cricket match this Sunday, I'd bolt to another network. Yes, I threatened them like, I believe the correct hipster vernacular is, like a boss.

Speaking of which, what the f*ck did I miss? Where the hell this expression come from all of a sudden? Why in tarnation is it suddenly cool to do stuff "like a boss". I think I first heard it when a friend of mine recently said that he went through his exams like a boss. What does solving question papers have to do with being a boss. Who the hell exactly is this boss we're speaking of? Is it the crime lord wala boss, the one who leads a crime syndicate or are we talking the successful, but boring professional person who is higher than us in the office hierarchy, who we willingly lose golf games to? Either way, why would I wanna do stuff like either of these people? Why is attempting your exams like a boss something someone would be proud of, something I'd want to brag about? Hell, how exactly do you sit in your exams like a crime lord? I believe it has something to do with stabbing the invigilator in the leg when he catches you cheating. I just don't get it.

Speaking of which, bitchin' about "like a boss" means that I have officially run out of stuff to vent on, like a boss.

Yeah I went there. But hey, it filled eight lines, didn't it? So, mission accomplished. Hurray for wasting time!

And now, for no other reason than to be a douche, please enjoy this mid-post font change:

In other news, I've been a tagging assignment for the past two weeks and not that it's bad, but I have come to the conclusion that if things could go any more boring or any slower, we might as well be moving backwards in time. Here's the list of things I came up with that I would rather do than be on a tagging assignment:

1. Write my blog

2. Watch Twilight

3. Read someone else's blog

4. Go out in public wearing my wrestling belt

5. Read Twilight

6. Be interested in politics

7. Join politics

8. Think about Twilight

9. Make lists about things I'd rather do than be on a tagging assignment

10. Make an Orkut account

11. Praise Twilight

12. Switch to frickin' Ufone because there's no limit on Twitter texts there (please don't let me down Telenor!)

And since I have no good seque-way to pimp my other social networking exploits, I won't use one, so:

Finally, I now have a tumblr too, so now there's one more avenue for me to get ignored at. Follow me (and unfollow me mere hours later when you find out about my idiotic tumblr exploits) here:

www.theumarahmed.tumblr.com

And of course, there's also my ever-loving Twitter id which now comes in "clean" and "idiotic and scummy jokes included" versions:

www.twitter.com/theumarahmed

To access the clean version, just press the small white cross with the red background on the upper-right corner of your screen. And that's that. It's also pimped on the upper right corner of your screen. For real this time.

Till next time someone challenges me to write four lines,

I remain Umar Ahmed.

Umar Ahmed recently lost the back cover to his phone in the factory of his client and takes it as a sign from above that he should buy a new phone. He also likes to hum the self composed mesh-up of the Mission Impossible theme song and the Singham title track in the shower.