The 2012 Unhinged Awards - Part One

“Man, I can’t wait to read another year-end best of list!”
- Nobody. Ever.


And with that cheerful thought, welcome to part one of the 2012 Unhinged Awards. Because as my gramma used to tell me, if you have something to say, stretch it out to multiple parts and get more hits that way! If I'd known how poignant that advice would one day turn out to be, I wouldn't have gotten her committed to the nuthouse.

So soon.

Anyways.

1) Phone Of The Year: iPhone 5

Note: This award is only given out on years that a new iPhone comes out.

So this year, it was that time again. The time that comes every two years or so and follows the most predictable pattern this side of Adele's lyrics, the launch of another iPhone! The one event that makes everyone ask themselves the following life-altering questions:

Do you want an enhanced smart-phone experience?

Do you want to an app-store that gives you absolutely everything you want and need?

Do you want a phone that lets you take your entire office with you on the go?

Then buy an Android.  Well then, the new iPhone 5 is what you're looking for! Unless you're reading this a year from now, then the Iphone 5S is what you're looking for.

The new iPhone 5 is out and believe me; it's out not a second too soon. The world has lived in the cavemen era of only four lines of apps in the app drawer and Zardari jokes for far too long! We as a species need to evolve and we can only do that with the sorcery that only a new iPhone can bring: 

Behold:

FIVE WHOLE LINES OF APPS IN THE APP DRAWER!

And Rehman Malik jokes.

First up, they've done the best thing ever as far as hooklines go and given it the super hyperbolic title of "the biggest thing to happen to iphone since iphone" which is so paradoxical that it makes Bodyguard’s “mujhpay ek ehsaan karna…” sound sane. Still, as insane as this one might be, it’s a million times better than what they were initially going with: “It’s what Steve Jobs would buy!”

Now of course, you may say, "Geez Umar, it has nearly the same features as last time? Why

should I buy this one instead? And what's a Rehman Malik?", but bah, what do you know, you're just a terrorist and deserve to have your cellular services shut down, you'll be changing your tune once you hear about the features that this bad boy packs.

I mean really, are you disgusted by that paltry 3.5 inch screen on your iPhone 4S? Don't worry, Iphone 5 is there for the rescue with a mega 4 inch screen. Are you tired of lifting that lead-like 140 gram iPhone 4S? Well, tire no more sir, because the iPhone 5 is there for you again with featherly weight of only 112 grams. Also, are you sick from watching Richie Rich on your bed made of gold all night and don't want to go to school? Well, thank iPhone 5, because not only will it write you a note and call your teacher but it will rub vaporub on your chest and sing "Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty" to you too! And finally, are you tired of all that "paying bills" and "making good on your rent" and "buying food for the month" stuff? Well, there's that wacky iPhone 5 again, relieving you of the need (and the means) to do that as well. 

Golly, that sure is a lot of features.

Regardless of what the critics say, I will always remain an Apple man through and through and will be getting an iPhone 5 as soon as the price for my kidney gets finalised. Because screw all that "health" or "living" bullshit, I want my FIVE WHOLE LINES OF APPS IN THE APP DRAWER, DAMMIT!

In conclusion, it IS true what they always say, an "Apple" a day does keep the doctor away. Presumably, because you can't afford doctors. Because you spent all your money on Apple products.

Whatever, I'm going to go listen to Adele now or something.

It’s what Steve Jobs would do.

****

2) Wedding Of The Year: Syra Yousuf And Shahroze Sabzwari

This was an easy one. Because first off, every single person knows that to be a famous couple, you have to have names that are compatible enough to be merged into a single “cutesy” couple name so that our short attention span population can be rid of the arduous task of remembering two separate names.

Man, I sure am glad Tommy Lee Jones and Sarah Jessica Parker never got together.

Every celebrity couple has a couple name. From Brangelina to Umarijuana, they’re everywhere. So what is their couple name going to be?

Shahsuf? Lame.

Sairoze? No. That sounds something you’d take for a cough.

Bahria? Pretty sure that’s already been taken.

So they’ve got the easiest thing a celebrity couple can have, going against them.

Anyway, jokes aside, my thought on this wedding of doom (that will undoubtedly bring nothing but untold misery to the couple and cause Shahroz Sabzwari to die of mysterious circumstances within the next two months and lead Syra to realize that her one true love is still waiting for her on his couch, watching wrestling and hoping that nobody figures out that it was him) is that I..... don't really care much.

No really, I don't.

See, I don't really have a set criteria when it comes to "wimmen". All I want is that they should have a head.

And be alive.

If they meet these two criteria, they're on my list. And sometimes, THEY DON'T EVEN NEED TO MEET THAT. So there is absolutely no way I let a paltry marriage stand between me and someone. So yeah, it doesn't matter to me that she's married. Yes, there is indeed no depth to which I won't sink to. But don't worry, Syra will still accept me. Because that's true love, or something. 

Oh, and Syra, if you're reading this, please know that I found no wrappers of junk food while going through your trash last night. Please understand, honey, that a little bit of fat content in your diet is good for you. Okay sweetie? Thanks. Love you.

****

3) Overexposure Of The Year: The Humsafar Title Song 

Yes, overexposure of the year. It’s been THAT sort of a 12 months.

Anyways, this is award is here to recognise the one thing that was shoved down our throats the most this past year despite it being the thing that most of us were completely over. We wanted something different, “they” wanted to give us more of the same. You know what I’m talking about…

Hey, who put this here?!?

No, not Aamir Liaquat, the winner is...... the title track for Humsafar!

And for good reason too. From October of last year to pretty much half-way this year, this song was EVERYWHERE. I turn on the TV, it's there playing in the background of the show. I log onto Facebook, it's there, shared by my friends. I stand outside the window of that cute girl from the library watching her solve Auditing past papers, it's there, playing on her mp3 player. I'm calling my attorney after getting busted by her parents, it's there, playing as the caller tone. I'm in the courthouse getting a restraining order, it's there, playing as someone's ringtone. I'm safely following her from a safe distance at a concert so as not to violate the restraining order, it's there, being played by the house band at the special request of the audience. There was just NO way to get away from that song.

And the worst part was that it wasn't even a bad song, the only reason I loathed it so much was because it was so over-exposed. So somewhere in April, I came up with a ground rule to immediately sever all ties with anyone who I see singing this song. EVER.

So as of right now, I've lost 16 people to this pandemic and have been totally outcast from society and am living in a jungle. I'm writing this on the laptop I stole from Ranbir Kapoor after he wrapped up his TV/Laptop ad. But don't worry, it's a real special sect of people who hate Humsafar and as long as you don't sing or don't even think about singing Humsafar, we can be friends.

Let's put it this way, when Gotham is in ashes, you have my permission to sing Humsafar.

Kay dhoop chaaoon kaa aalam...

****

4) TV Show f the Year: Astaghfar


Well, this was the hardest category to pick. Being asked what my favorite TV show is like asking what my favorite suicide bombing was this year. Mainly because that category isn’t up until later.

Now granted, there was some good-to-great TV this past year. Walking Dead upped the ante with a more zombified second season, The Office still exists for some reason churning out one meh season after the other despite absolutely nobody caring, Community had another terrific season with its third and continues being as innovative now as it did when it first started, HIMYM did what it does best and stalled the meeting with the Mother for another year, and Breaking Bad finished its fifth season by melting viewers' eyes with its awesomeness which, let's face it, is standard operating procedure for them at this point.

Just your average run of the mill kick-ass TV Show.
Move along, nothing much to see here...

But there's only one show that stand up heads and shoulders above all others, due to its desire to continually push the envelope, the outstanding work done by the showrunners and the charisma and genuine warmth displayed by its lead. You know the one I'm talking about....

Seriously, who keeps putting this here?

Yes, I'm talking about gem of illumination known as Astaghfar that aired for the majority of Ramzan on Hero TV and “starred” Veena Malik as YOUR spiritual guide on an emotional journey seeking forgiveness from the Almighty.
Because when you think repentance and redemption, you think Veena Malik. That's right.

I cannot stress how much you much unintentional comedy you missed out on if you never saw this show. It was just one religious talk show cliche after another. From the half-assed, one dimensional way each major "issue" is addressed, to the token video package with the pseudo-dramatic voiceover which made every interviewee seem sadder than Mitt Romney’s campaign, and the stock sound effects from Bollywood movies to emphasize how serious the issue is, to "live" calls so obviously fake that even Maya Khan would take exception and yell, “Paid actors!”.

Now the idea itself was very intriguing, Person A who's always been viewed as a sketchy person, morals-wise, decides to have a show about asking forgiveness and redemption in the month of Ramzan, who can't get behind that?

But somewhere along the way, they decided that making a straight up TV show about sins and repentance and stuff was for sissies and that they wanted to do something wacky and different. And that decision took place somewhere before the first episode aired, apparently. Because there wasn't one single episode that didn't leave me in fits of laughter because of how retarded it all was. Here's how an average episode of this show worked:

1) Veena introduces us to the show talking about the "serious matter" at hand which is always designed to seem controversial than it actually is, anywhere from "Seedhi sadhi ladkiyon ki video bananay walay obash ladkay" to "fehesh filmain daikhnay walay". She also starts screaming for some reason. Because screaming = instant redemption!

2) Veena then says Astaghfar six times.

3) Welcomes the in-house religious scholar who looks oddly familiar to the "nazuk soorat-e-haal" guy. He then gets approximately 6.8 seconds to introduce himself and is never seen or heard from again during the show.

4) Veena says Astaghfar six times.

5) Somebody calls and talks about the topic for the day agreeing with everything Veena says, despite the fact that it's a recorded show and no information can be found on the internet on the topics for discussion for upcoming shows nor the time for when the show is recorded.

6) Veena says Astaghfar six times.

7) A video package recorded with a blurry camera is then played which highlights either how terrible committing the sin-of-the-day is or warns about the results of shooting with a crappy camera, I'm not really sure which one it is.

8) Veena then says Astaghfar five times, because her throat hurts.

9) Someone who's miraculously been shown the light, by Veena's impeccable combination of one dimensional arguments, shouting and stepping over the scholar's lines, calls and wants to repent and say astaghfar. Again, this takes place despite the fact that there is no possible way the caller could have heard what Veena was talking about as the show IS NOT live.

10) Veena is happy and calls it a day and tells you to tune in tomorrow for a new sin-of-the-day, then goes backstage and the entire team laughs their effin' behinds off and calls it a day.

11) Veena says Astaghfar seven times. She took Strepsils.

I don't know abut you, but I just enjoy the show ironically too much to nit-pick about it. And I kinda like Veena repeatedly yelling astaghfar again and again, so there's that too. If you ask me, thatt's just how the world will end, not with a whimper, not with a bang, but with Veena repeatedly saying astaghfar.

Besides, for better or for worse, this show has changed my life, like it did for that one lady who called Veena to tell her that she wanted to commit suicide because her spouse was going to put up her videos on the internet. The very same one who got saved when Veena, in a stroke of brilliance, decided to trace her call and send her TV channel's team (never mind how the team was trained in matters like negotiating with an impending suicider-to-be, they just WERE, dammit!) which got to the girl's house just moments before she hung herself?

Because that's what people do, right? They look up when a show about forgiveness is being recorded and call them on the day when the topic of the day is naughty videos (Because Lord know you can't call on the day haram rozi is being discussed because that would be a logistic nightmare, so God forbid, or "astaghfar", if you weel) and tell what they're doing before they commit suicide. 

It's what I'd do.

Also, Veena yelling Astaghfar is my new ringtone. And my new alarm tone. It's also my doorbell. And my screensaver. It's just pretty much what I live my life by. It's what my world revolves around now. Like I said, my life is changed, and for the better. Thank you, Astaghfar!

****

5) The Twilight Award for The Worst Thing Of The Year: Prometheus

Spoiler: That's the look you have after having sat through this movie.

You know, there's not many things in this world that are as terrible as the absolutely irredeemable mountain of suck that is Twilight, and this award is here to celebrate that one thing during the year that came the closest to achieving the high watermark in suckitude that none but Twilight have set.

Until this year.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, after long last, it seems that we have finally found the heir apparent to the legacy of horribleness that the brainchild of Stephanie Meyer has left behind. Something that's just as crappy as Twilight, if not more.

It's Prometheus. From this moment on, it'll always be Prometheus.

Let’s backtrack a bit. It was the much anticipated return by Ridley Scott to the Alien franchise with much hype being placed on the writing by one Damon Lindelof, with an intriguing-ish premise of a space team visiting an alien planet in hopes of finding out the answers to life's big questions. And yet it all fell apart faster than the hopes of fans of LOST going into the sixth season expecting some answers.

In fact, Prometheus was such a terrible movie that I think I'll be changing the name of this award next year to "The Prometheus Award For The Terrible Thing Of The Year".

It's not just that the movie sucks, oh no. Tons of movies suck and you don't hear me complain much about them. The fact that it was a terrible movie, in itself, doesn't matter much to me. It's that Prometheus committed that one unpardonable sin, as a result of which, to me, it will forever remain the worst movie of all time.

It wasn't that the characters were all ridiculously unrelatable because they were stupid enough to take off their helmets when they're on an unknown frickin' planet that they had to travel more than 3 years to reach.

It wasn't that the characters are supposed to be the smartest scientists on earth, yet their first instinct is to outrun (?) the falling space vessel rather than avoid it. It wasn't that they decided to not bring any firearms on the science mission. On the alien planet. Yeah, who needs them? It' not like the aliens might be hostile or anything, right?

It wasn't that the movie was filled with one horror movie cliche after another, ooh, you see a door, yeah let's enter it, oh, you see a button, let's just press it regardless of the fact that you have zero idea what it does because you're on a frickin' alien planet! Oh, you don't like what they're doing in this unknown cave, random crew member? Well, why don't you just go right ahead and try to leave knowing full well that you don't remember the way back because it's a cavern in an alien frickin' planet and that anyone who's ever done this in any movie in the history of ever has ended up hopelessly lost.

Did I tell you that they were on an alien effin' planet!

*deep breath*

But still, none of these was the unpardonable sin. You know what it was?

It got me to pay to see it.

I don't care how crappy any movie is, it gets a pass if I didn't have to waste any money on it. But once I've spent money, all bets are off.

If I had my way, Prometheus would be the new word for all things sucky. Kids everywhere would be worried that they're going to Prometheus their tests. Guys at bars and clubs would hope that they don't Prometheus with the ladies. And when in company, people would ask others to excuse them because they have to take a Prometheus. That's just how the future is going to be.

And lest you think that it's only me that didn't like this movie, hey Veena, what do you have to say about Prometheus?

"Astaghfaarastaghfaarastaghfaarastaghfaarastaghfaarastaghfaar!"

Just as I suspected.

****

6) The Stephen Colbert Person Of The Year Award:

Yes, it is now time for the prestigious of all awards; the award named after the late Stephen Colbert who passed away in my eyes, ever since I stopped getting Comedy Central; the award that honors the bravest of the brave, the brightest of the bright, and the best of the best.

Anyhow, you know the drill, the person winning this award has to have had the most outstanding achievement in the field of excellence throughout the year, without fail.
For the sake of simplicity (and ease of making jokes at their expense), only people from Pakistan are eligible for this award.

There were many deserving candidates, like Waqar Zaka who continues to be a trend-setter when it comes to exploiting the mailas throughout the country; if not for him each of these people would have to go out and mingle with the society and *gasp* get actual jobs or maybe *double gasp* breed, so he's doing some good there. There was Mathira, who is still in the public eye, for some reason, despite doing absolutely nothing of note the entire year, and hence deserves at least an honorable mention.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Maya Khan thanks to the whole "Oh-noes-she's-bothering-couples-on-LIVE-TV" debacle. There was Mubasher Luqman who took record time to fall from grace in the eyes of pseudo political analysts/general population of Pakistan and then even less to hype his upcoming grand "return" to another channel with a ridiculous attempt at making an avant garde video which, for the record, I'm completely okay with, mainly because it gave us this:

You're awesome in my book Mubasher, XOXOXOXOXO!

No, I did not just spend 20 minutes figuring out how to make a gif for a throwaway joke, why do you ask?

However, there is only one person that can legitimately stake a claim to being THE person of the year....

Yes, yes, fine, you can use this now. Jeez!

Enter, Aamir Liaquat.

Secretly.

While you shower.

But don't worry, he's only here to tell you that zor say nahao, aur ghussay say nahao, kaho k pani pagal hai.

Deep down, he just has the best interests for your hygiene at heart.

Now I know what you're thinking, this guy? But trust me, he deserves every bit of it. And not only does he deserve to win this year, but that he should win every year. I've always felt like I and Aamir Liaquat are a lot alike. Only that he's famous and I'm not and we don't know each other, and are not related whatsoever. Other than that? TOTALLY THE SAME. We both don't know what the name of that "tirchi topi wala actor", we both accidentally made a video that one time that became a minor hit but then we both pretended like we didn't have anything to do with it. The only other real difference is I sort of have a basic understanding of how to host a talk show without making a fool out of myself.

I imagine one day we’ll meet each other, and I’ll ask him to unblock me on Twitter and he’ll reply, “Ghussay say bolo! Zor say bolo kay satkay huay mujhay unblock kar.”, and we’ll both start laughing and I’ll give him the “I see what you did there” look.

Still, back to the topic, you need to have cajones of steel to have this kind of laundry list of items that inspire hate-hooing from the populace and still be in a position of prominence and be revered by millions thousands hundreds tens around the globe. Let's keep track now, shall we? Guy had his own religious talk show which was a huge hit and he was a member of one of the leading political parties in the country. He then gets caught in the fake degree scandal and it turns out that he's not an actual doctor. He then gets kicked out of said party for “running his mouth too damn much” and “having a face that’s too Aamir Liaquat-like”. Of course, I’m only paraphrasing.


Then, like every good fake doctor, he leaves the channel that made him famous for greener, more azad, more roshan and more yakta pastures, then has a video leaked of him that shows him in a more unflattering light than if he had been found watching a Kunal Khemu movie in theatre, yet STILL has the cuntery (new word I invented, patent pending) and political maneuverings to get hired back by the channel that first let him go to host their Ramzan telecast that enables him to be on TV 36 hours a day.

And starts to get referred to as a doctor again. Somehow.

I don't really know how that happened. But that's a man of steel, folks. And It's not like anything against him has ever been conclusively proven. Do YOU really have ANYTHING on him to say that has blemishes on his resume and doesn't have a completely clean track record...

BESIDES THIS! DAMMIT!

Didn't think so.

7) Least Expected Popular Chorus To A Song Award: Waderay Ka Beta

You know, six months ago, when the song first came out, I had no idea what the big deal was.

Everyone around me went crazy as to how funny it was, for some reason but I remained clueless. Heck, I'll tell you the truth, even two months ago, I simply couldn't fathom why everyone loved it so much and But then came yesterday..... and I STILL couldn't figure out why the heck people went crazy for this thing. Then I did the only thing left to do: I tried listening to it, and BOOM!

There it was!

An enormous......

blob.....

of......

….nothingness!

I still had no idea what it was. I'm sorry, I just don't get it. I mean what is it really about the song and its chorus that drove people crazy? Seriously, what is so funny? The fact that he calls EVERYTHING Saeen? Or his "I'm having a stroke" dance moves? Or the fact that he may have coined a new Zen technique that goes, "Everything is Saeen and saeen is everything". Or maybe, just maybe, it's the fact that his girlfriend has a mustache!

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, wait, why is this funny again?"

Okay, I admit, the mustache part is clever, because if there's one thing we know, it's that people having the physical capabilities of the other gender is HILARIOUS! And how do I know that? Thanks to my cricket team in school that laughed at me because I fielded "like a girl".

Regardless of my failures at sports involving hand-eye coordination , given where we are as a society, I have came up with these handy choruses that you can use to come up with the super hit songs of 2013, if of course we happen to live that long.

1) Wooden bookshelf 2) Meri Laundry ka ek bill 3) Taash kee gaddi 4) Ek Aadhi parhi novel 5) School bag 6) Toota hua hockey 7) Coat hangers

Okay, so I half-ripped off "Rock On!" here. Yeah, like you can do better.

And I just came up with these using stuff from a two room radius! Y'see how easy this is! Break a leg, youngsters! Create the evergreen gems of tomorrow! I can see it now:

Classic!

But hey, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there is something to this Ali Gul Pir guy after all. I mean, he does point out the ills of the wadera-ness in the country in a perversely entertaining way. And yes, it is not right to pick on someone while I only have the one single impression of them. Maybe I should wait for more before forming an opinion of him. And who’s to say, maybe next time he whips up something sophisticated, something that makes me eat my words.

Yeah, maybe not.

****

8) Movie of the Year Award: The Dark Knight Rises



Oh well, gotta have a movie award. Okay, I'll come clean, I'm writing this part in June. This whole piece has been written at different times throughout the year, for reasons I don't completely remember, but seemed awesome to me at that time. So at this point in time, I have zero idea how the movie is going to be. Mainly because it hasn't come out yet.

But given the hype, it would literally have to be the greatest movie made in the history of forever or it's immediately going to become the worst movie of all time in the eyes of fanboys, yours truly included. The key here is the excessive hype, which means that the movie is inevitably going to not live up to our bloated expectations and be considered bad, and that's sorta the risk you take while marketing sequels. So you see, it's going to be tough, but if there's one man who I can put my utmost faith on to pull this mother off, it's this man:

There's at least three mindf***s hidden in his suit at this time.

Still, being the bastion of journalistic integrity that I am, here's a generic by the numbers review that fits both ways, even if the movie is mind-numbingly good or skull-crushingly disappointing:

"What a movie! Never seen anything like it! Man, you folks had it right when you said all that stuff about how it was going to be. The part that caused me to feel the way I do about the movie the most would have to be that scene with the actors and uh, locations where they talked and stuff happened, yeah, that part. And can you believe that ending? What a doozy! I have a feeling of relief and/or sadness that it's going to be over now depending on whether I loathed or liked the movie. Now I'm going to go and kill myself for having used the word doozy in 2012."

"Man, this sure was something!"

Bam! Nailed it.

****

And in conclusion, here’s a couple of awards that weren’t deemed noteworthy enough to get their full entry. And in conclusion, here’s a couple of awards that weren’t noteworthy enough to get their full entry.


Best fake apocalypse: The one with the Mayans

Best shooting of a 14 year old in the face: The one with Malala

Best riot under the pretense of protesting blasphemy: The one….gosh, there’s just too many. It would be unfair to pick just one. So instead, YOU’RE ALL WINNERS!

****

And that's it for another year. Till the day I learn what the word brevity means, I remain Umar Ahmed.

Umar Ahmed likes to write these terribly long word-fests so that they make him forget that he still hasn't become a registered Chartered Accountancy trainee. And that nobody loves him. He was also joking about not liking Humsafar, it's his favorite song. For realsies. In fact, here's a free plug for it, click here to listen to the song.

Game of Trolls

Doomsday. AKA The day when OTHER people see my "writings" fit to be put on their website. It's here. A little something I wrote for someone else's blog. The published version is available here: http://www.ideasevolved.com/game-of-trolls/

Facebook. Orkut. Twitter.

Bana lo social life better!

Dammit, still can’t get that idiotic song out of my head. Let’s try that again, shall we?

Facebook. Orkut. Twitter.

These are the tools that have led the social media revolution, the instruments of change that are responsible for bringing people even closer together than we already are. And we’re already pretty close, as is. Trust me, I’ve travelled in W-11. If you have use Facebook, you’ve probably been added by someone you haven’t met in years, at least once. If you use Twitter, you’ve probably talked about some international news, mostly sports, with someone in the other corner of the world. If you use Orkut, please get help. And try to get institutionalized.

The common thing with these websites and others like them is the rise of anonymity. Sure, most people on Facebook use their real names, but for every Umar Ahmed out there, there’s a “$Prince Lovely$ ” right around the corner. And that anonymity has turned every average joe into Batman. Before the boom, airing your grievances on a public forum about the alleged evils of political parties meant the jiyales of such political parties making sure that you slept with the fishes. Now, behind the thick veil of anonymity, you can tell any member of any political party what they have instead of brains and where they should put that something. And then proceed to get your IP traced by those very same jiyales who then commence with the fish+you+sleeping/together program regardless. See, progress!

What I find most interesting about the social media boom is that it’s given everyone a voice. But that brings forth a most interesting question. Does everyone even deserve a voice? This brings me to the topic of my piece: The rise of the troll!

The interwbs define a troll as (1) a mythical, cave-dwelling being typically having a very ugly appearance, (2) someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous or off-topic messages in a community to provoke readers; and (3) people who edit the “Coming Up” videos on Indian reality shows.

Okay, maybe not that last one.

The trollface is now, of course, the official symbol of the internet, beating stiff competition from “The LOLcat” and the perpetually popular “Middle finger”.

See now, trolling can be anything. See the Youtube video where an alligator tries to eat a baby but keeps fumbling and get the urge to comment, “Stop torturing him! Just feed him the baby already!”? That’s a troll. Want to be classy and point out that your friend, while uploading a photo on Facebook with his dog has added an extra “N” to the caption, “Best dog in the world”? That’s an even better troll. Or you can even be like Suresh Raina and take a catch in the middle of a cricket match and then turn around to make the “shushhh” gesture towards the audience. Trollific troll! And this marks the first time in the past five years that “Suresh Raina” and the word “classy” have been said in the same paragraph.

I, for one, am not a troll. That’s not me. No sir. I don’t make it a point to correct other people’s spelling mistakes on Facebook. After all, what is it to me if someone can’t differentiate between “their”, “they’re” and “there”? Absolutely nothing. I just tell them that I’d come to their house when they’re asleep and light their house on fire and be on my way. And I use the correct spellings for their/they’re/there. Obviously.

There is, however, a kind of trolling worse than being a grammar Nazi. And no, I’m not talking about Hero TV asking to be considered as a serious TV channel. It’s the kind that’s populating Facebook these days. Yes, you know what I’m talking about. Gone are the days when people would just “like” a million pages and call it a day, gone are the exceedingly creepy status updates that make you go “Why the hell would I want to know that?!”, and gone are the requests from applications like Farmville….KIDDING! You’ll never be rid of Farmville requests, so swears Zynga! See, trolling.

Anyways, their spot has been taken by (a) memes from the darkest depths of hell, (b) the sports-trolls which I assume must be funny since they’re so helpfully captioned with the mighty trollface, which is apparently a reassurance of some kind we’re only being served with the troll of the highest calibre, and (c) “tips” regarding all sorts of fun activities like being a “maila” or being a “bro” because these are apparently things that people want to be, which only just adds to my belief that the Mayans have it right.

Of course, some may say that I’m being too harsh on them ol’ Forever Alones, and that they deserve a chance to laugh and that I’m missing out on the subtlety of the joke and that I should look beneath the exterior to see what the person is really saying.

“See, it’s like, a glass of water, and it’s on top of a MARS BAR! It’s like there’s water on Mars! See? Get it? SEE? GET IT? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, my parents didn’t love me enough as a child.”

Yup. Subtle.

Of course, it’s not totally hopeless. There is light at the end of the tunnel. And it can be summed up in three simple words: It’s. A. Fad.

It’ll pass. That’s how fads work. One day you feel passionately about a certain something, the next day, you couldn’t care less about it. It’s the only way you can explain Gangnam Style’s success. We thought the “I KNOW! I’LL TAG ALL MY FRIENDS IN THIS PHOTO EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE NOT IN IT!” thing would never stop, but it didn’t last. The day of the troll will pass and that’s the only thing that keeps me clicking “Log In” each time.


Wouldn’t it be awesome if one day everyone wakes up and logs on to Facebook to see that the memes and the trolls and the endless photo sharing of choclate based desserts and flowers are now a thing of the past and that we’re due for yet another new fad? And then one day, maybe, just maybe, we’ll get back to using social networking for posting actual sensible content from our lives.

Now that would be a troll for the ages!

Umar Ahmed appreciates the finer things in life. Like video mash-ups of every zombie kill in every zombie movie ever. He also would have been extremely upset by "them" editing out his ingenious and totally-not-ripped-off-from-some-dark-corner-of-the-internet "About the Author" bit, but a new episode of The Walking Dead was out. Maybe later. He also should stop doing those bits.

Say My Name.

Wow, this has been a big week. To start things off, let's talk about an ongoing event of sorts, a competition if you will, one of global significance. And in that event, certain happenings transpired that are now a matter of national pride. I am of course, talking about myself winning the most active participant award at the Assurance 2 training at the office, which for those wondering, is the opposite of the Academy awards and winning the MAP award is pretty much the opposite of winning an Oscar.

Winning the award comes with an attractive something-something that I'm not at liberty to reveal right now, and of course, a lifetime supply of bragging rights and leverage for me in every argument at the office that I'm involved in. Sadly, the rumors that the winners would get a mountain bike were just that, rumors. In other unrelated news, I continue my search for a buyer for a pink helmet with a custom paint-job of a flaming skull.

More news from this week that I read off the internet ten minutes before I started writing this so that I could fill up half the post without getting to the topic of my post includes Hina Rabbani Khar denying the allegations of her being romantically involved with Bilawal Bhutto Zardari, which is surprising only to those who are unfortunate enough to have the last name Zardari. Bilawal was quick to respond by saying, “Democracy is the best revenge.” Yeah, I think he should learn some new talking points now.

Elsewhere, the Pakistan cricket team continued their infamous start-stop campaigns in world tournaments by getting an inspired win over the South Africans and then following it up by easily falling prey to the Indians, then beating the Australians (!!!) by a good margin in the ICC World Twenty20 2012 to qualify for the semi finals. The bipolarity in the cricketing form of the Pakistani team is matched only by the bipolarity of their fans who go from “Hamain tum say pyar hai!” to “Shahid bhai, pepsi chorain, petrol piyain aur wafat paa jayain.” in a matter of hours without the slightest trace of irony. Which is kind of like how people have reacted to the character of Walter White over the course of the TV show which coincidentally IS the topic of my post. Not that there’s anything common between Walter White and Shahid Afridi. For one thing, Walter White is in a better cricketing form than Afridi.

In case you haven’t guessed it by now, I’m here today to yap about the much acclaimed TV show, the most recent season of which I completed just two days ago, er legally, by Skyping with a friend who was watching it on Hulu on another computer, Breaking Bad. Now, for those of you who’ve never heard of Breaking Bad because you’re too busy with your jobs and your friends and your academic career and having a life, I only have this to say:“Say my name!”. This, of course, doesn’t make sense to you but it’s a line from the show and I’ve wanted to use it ever since I first heard it six hours ago.

Anyways, Breaking Bad is a universally praised TV show that currently airs on the AMC Network (I think now would be the time where I come out and state that I’m in no way affiliated with, connected to or employed by AMC, buy CM Punk merchandise!) about world's favorite topics, Drugs, and is the brain child of the badassery inducing mind of one Vince Gilligan. But it’s just a TV show the same way Twilight is literature, barely. 

Think “The Wire”, but on a more personal level, now think of some other crime show because you’ve probably never seen The Wire. Think The Sopranos meets Weeds, but instead of being in on it, Tony’s family is clueless of what Tony does and remains so for five whole seasons. And in a matter of mere 40-some episodes, you don’t even recognize the character you started watching.

That's because back when Vince Gilligan was a writer for the X-Files, he always thought about the fact that characters on TV shows are so stagnant, static and stationery in their evolution, that it allows said shows to run for eternity, prime examples being the CSI franchise, the Simpsons and politics in Pakistan. In other words, s**t doesn’t change and everyone remains the same. So Vince decided to come up with the radical new concept of creating a show around a protagonist who would over the course of the show turn into an antagonist, the hero becoming the villain, or as Gilligan himself put it, Mr. Chips becoming Scarface. Thus, Breaking Bad was born. Now before you start screaming, “Bull! Christopher Nolan did it first! I believe in Harvey Dent!”, don’t forget to consider that 'Bad came out before The Dark Knight and Vince had a lot more time to play with than just two hours and forty minutes and thus was able to make the transformation a lot more organic and a lot more subtle. Also, Anna Gunn > Maggie Gyllenhall, but I digress.

Breaking Bad treats life the way it really is, in that no one is just a good or bad guy. It’s a lot more shades of gray (*insert 50 shades joke*), do you applaud a person diagnosed with cancer who decides to take a drastic step in seemingly the last year of his life to ensure the future of his family after his death or do you condemn him because the step he takes is becoming a drug manufacturer? Conundrums!

It also has a superb writing team which seemingly has a knack for never going for the obvious thing. Commercial break coming up? How about we don’t go to it with a cliffhanger. Everyone oversaturated with crappy twist endings? How about straight-forward story telling that gives you a setup and a payoff, every time, all the time, without fail. It’s like the anti-LOST. And this is the terrain Breaking Bad plays in, in every episode, every season. Nobody is a throw-away character. Everything connects. Nothing is unexplained or left for the viewer's imagination. There are no loose ends. Nothing drags.

And lest I forget, it has the magnificent acting of one Bryan Cranston, otherwise known as, “the idiot dad from Malcolm in the middle? Are you serious?” or by his nickname, “Really? Are you sure you’re not kidding?”. But it is the acting from Bryan Cranston that takes Breaking Bad from just another good TV show and puts it into the upper echelon of great shows. His wonderful emoting makes you root for him, admire him, or even loathe him, sometimes all in the same scene! It’s his fantastic wkiller instinct with the dialogues that transforms kinda corny lines like “Say my name.”, “I won.” or “I am the one who knocks.” into instant badassisms and has won him three Emmys.

The crystal (pardon the pun) clarity with which Breaking Bad portrays the human condition, you can't help but see people you know in the characters, as many in the Pakistani circle of fame would be right at home on the show. Imran Khan could be Hank. Our dear ol' president could be Saul Goodman. Aamir Liaquat could be Tuco. Shahid Masood could be Wendy. And Sohail Tanvir could be a dead drug addict in the background in one scene.

Breaking Bad has arguably, over the course of its run, become AMC's biggest hit with the last episode of the current season being watched by 2.98 million viewers, which in laymen's terms, means lots and lots and lots and lots of people. So give in to the intrigue and award this gloomy, twisting, turning meth-infested saga a try. Watch the most unique character on television today go from zero to hero to "That's questionable. Eh, whatever." to "What are you doing, Walt? Don't do it, Walt!" to "HE HAS NO SOUL!". You'll be hooked on it like nothing else you've ever seen and finishing enitre seasons in a matter of days. But that's okay. Because Breaking Bad is awesome. And so is the Pakistani cricket team.



Umar Ahmed often describes his life as Johnny Bravo meets obesity meets loneliness. When in company, He’s fond of pretending that he gives a crap about cricket, because every second spent by people talking about cricket is a second not spent by people making fun of his weight. He likes to ruin other people’s knock-knock jokes by loudly exclaiming, “I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS!”. He also has a secret, and he's not telling.

The Hunger Games Review

Note: This was thrown together at the last minute, so it doesn't have the usual "care" and "zing" that I put into each of these posts and hence may accidentally be of a higher quality than the low bar I've painstakingly set for increasingly crappy blog posts.

Bait and Switch! There's no review! El Oh El! Trollface! Other look-how-funny crap. Okay, I haven't even seen the movie. Just named it this because A) let's face it, these days it's a sure-fire clicks getter, and B) I wanted to have a name that wouldn't spoil the topic of my post before reading and couldn't think of anything else.

I think this says more about how absolutely over-hyped the movie is rather than me lying (I always use this tactic when I'm caught lying). I'm not saying it's a bad movie or anything because I don't really have an opinion on it yet, but I don't like the hard-sell for it. Just sayin'. Still, how is a movie named The Hunger Games and is not based on the life and times of Anna Hazare.

No, no, no, I'm here because of an important issue. Y'see I was all set to just share cat photos (because it's the internet, that's what we do) and call it a post but something happened earlier this week that changed my mind, something about which everyone felt the need to talk and I'm no exception.....

Not this. Although it could've been and would have been totally justified.

No, it's something of far more epic proportions. And since I'm the beacon of live-wire that stays on the cutting edge of all that's newsworthy (?) aka an attention-who*e, I need to be a part of it. Now, I'm not one to have my twitter id plugged more than it needs to be (it's on the top-right of the page, in case anyone's wondering) but those that do indeed follow me on twitter (here) know that I'm not a big fan of meme break-outs on Facebook every couple of days. Hated the LET'S LIKE A MILLION PAGES thing, loathed the "what they think I do/what I really do" dealio, and with all due respect to the subject matter, I'm glad that the Kony 2012 madness never reached our country, mainly because we have our hands full with evil people in positions of prominence as is, but whatever. I'm just not one to indulge in fads. That's not me. I would never do something like that.

Like I said, I would never stoop that low. Ever. It's not in my blood.

But that's memes on a global scale. I'm here because of something a lot closer to home, i.e. our ridiculous cricket celebrations on Facebook, specifically the ones after the Asia Cup final this past week. Now before the cricket enthusiasts who are more proud of their nationality during the cricket world cup than they are on August 14th start bashing me before I've even made my point (heh, I wish), allow me to make my point so that all the-cricket-enthusiasts-who-are-more-proud-of-their-nationality-during-the-cricket-world-cup-than-they-are-on-August-14th can bash me with the knowledge that I thoroughly insulted them and hereby deserve said bashing.

Now, it's no secret that I'm not a fan of cricket. Or any form of physical exercise for that matter, as my still-waiting-to-be-unpacked-ab-king-pro will testify. But one thing I am a fan of, is the stupidity of the masses when it comes to cricket.

"Yay! Our team won! I love them.......until the next time they lose. Then they're dead to me.......until the next time they win. Then, yay! Our team won! I love them......"

Let's face it, we're (who am I kidding, YOU'RE!) silly like that regarding cricket and when it comes to praising the team/tearing them a new one. Now my philosophy regarding cricket is simple and was eloquently summed up here:

Yes, now I post photos of my tweets. You wait, it WILL get worse. I promise.

If there's one thing our cricket fans have consistently proved, it's that we're (you're?) the most fickle ones of ANY fanbase in the world. But out of those hundreds of thousands, only some feel the need to take the liberty of indulging the patriotic spirit by way of sharing "funny" comics on Facebook and unnecessary bashing of other teams. So after the finals of the Asia Cup came and went this past Thursday, it was truly a sight to behold the next two days as my Facebook was filled with "humorous" comics with illogically placed word-balloons and photos with offensive captions that was somehow supposed to wake the patriot within me. It did awaken something in me, and it wasn't patriotic spirit. And if you thought I wouldn't post some of those pictures here, then you're probably new to these parts. Here's some choice examples from the very finest Facebook had to offer throughout the four-team tournament:

"Yes, u won hearts, Bangali Tigers. But do note that WE won cup and baazi. Totally unrelated, but still."

Two things: 1) *manai and 2) Like a boss?? WTF? Again?

No sir, nothing weird about this at all.

You make an excellent point, Afridi's nose!

The funniest thing to me is how we're so up in arms and quick to condemn the Indian media to an eternal damnation for their allegedly biased reporting on cricket when our folks do the EXACT SAME THING. And for anybody that wants to point out that there's a difference between the news media of a country of 1.2 billion people and some idiots on Facebook, I offer the extremely intellectual response of: it's my blog, I can be illogical and afraid of being murdered in my bed for daring to go against our Indian overlords, if I want to.

What's even more hysterical than our hypocrisy regarding the Indian media is the response of the very same people who patronisingly applauded the Bangladeshi team on their effort upon learning of said team's decision to appeal for a five-run penalty. It was a chance to finally prove that we're all not utter and total idiots and only fair-weather supporters of neutral teams by not doing anything stupid about it but no, instead we had to get this:

Now, now, don't let properly photoshopping the Bangladeshi flag on the photo get in the way of some simply "hilarious" racism.

Although in Express' defense, why should Facebookers have all the fun?

Granted, this is only a minuscule part of the grand cricketing experience but it's things like this and excessive competitiveness that turn me off of the over-all charm of the sport. The idiocy and insanity that sometimes cricket brings is why I like something else that's a lot more rationale-oriented, why I'm a fan of the most reasonable sport in the world, one that doesn't involve people getting emotionally hurt by others.....

.

.

.

Professional Wrestling.

Mostly because it involves people physically getting hurt by others.

But still, when you come to think of it....

...... are the two really all that different?

Until the time I think of an ending even more anti-climactic than this, I remain Umar Ahmed.

Umar Ahmed's sole criteria for a new phone is "It should play Angry Birds". He has also vowed to riot if the Undertaker's streak breaks this Sunday at Wrestlemania. His deepest, darkest secret concern is people discovering that he rips off his writing style (if you could call it that) from Stephen Colbert's monologues.